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Written Saturday, December 7, 2019 / Day 117 / Evening Back in the days of neighborhoods and local stores you would walk down the street and the shop keepers would put samples of what they were selling in the window. As we walked down the street - we actually walked a lot more than we ever do today - looking through those windows at whatever was the latest item to buy was called “Window shopping”. Department stores back in the day that were in downtown areas and had extensive windows on the street where they placed their latest goods to entice you to come in to shop. All of that is now replaced with computer screens and smart phone browsers. I guess that is our new “window” for “window shopping”. It struck me as so many things do these days that as I learn to manage my memories - I long for the day that certain memories will not make me break down. I know why I am breaking down but that does not seem to help. The damage apparently is at such a deep level that the trauma that is being experienced down there is too much to be controlled. Right now - I am very aware of this and regularly prepare myself - so I think - for these situations by reminding myself - out loud mind you - that unnecessary crying is not what I want memories to invoke. I do not want to rush anything because in reality I have no where to go right now. Nor do I have a reason either. The routine while still in place is thankfully less intense. I am conflicted. I’m sure in so many ways of which I am unconsciously aware - but consciously I want to be ready to be able to do something I really do not want. No wonder I’m a mess. Apparently the subconscious is aware of all of this at a level I am not able to see nor should I. The only indications I get of any progress in resolving the titanic conflict that is raging is that certain episodes that were once insanely out of control emotionally seem to be rather less intense. It’s a thunderstorm - not a tornado. So that is a welcome relief. The part of me that does not want anything to do with my current life is fighting the part that wants to stabilize and be ready to travel. These are direct opposite forces so it’s clear why there is such a conflict. With my dear sweetie pie - the future - whatever that is - has a gigantic crater in it right now. So that’s a problem. That’s why the family history project is good therapy. I am back in the past - reliving what happened to us from the very beginning. There has been some comfort in knowing that the story will be passed on to my sweet granddaughters, my son and his wife and my niece. That’s at least a focus - and taken in bite-sized daily doses something that can be accomplished in the short-term while the conflict rages below the surface. I tire of it all of course. Life is a hollow shell in so many ways. I cling to God and my Savior and there is strength in that - but the best that we can have right now in the present is a pause in the emptiness and missing my sweetheart. And that is something. So as I muddle on I keep writing and long for the day that when I look at the memories - they will not drag me down - not depress me. Then I’ll be able to say to them - no don’t bother upsetting me - I’m just looking

Written Thursday, December 6, 2019 / Day 116 / Afternoon Fatigue is different than weakness. I never knew that. Weakness is just being tired and that can be remedied by resting and sleep. Fatigue is more a systemic problem - a general feeling of exhaustion, a deeper weakness that prevents a person from focusing. In the world of grief one of the things we come to accept is the dependability of grief. Because the loss is permanent (and in the cases where that loss cannot be reversed by any human efforts) there is a certain amount of stress that now becomes part of your life. Not physical stress - I know in my situation I have no external forces stressing me at all. If any do ever appear I will not allow them to dominate my actions in any way. For me that is just the way it is at the moment. But mental stress - well that’s where those of us in the state of grief have no control. In recent weeks I have used my approach of giving a personality to the nebulous elements that seem to affect me. Early on in my journey I did that with grief itself. I would rebuke it - yell at it and generally tell it to get out of my life. So to include the other elements in my small world that seem to attack me - into this personification exercise brings a tiny bit of relief. Verbalizing feelings does seem to have an effect on them and my overall state as well. Even though in the lifespan of grief experiences, I am still an intern, I’m just starting this awful chapter of my life. Despite the fact that this is only day 116 - I am worn out mentally and with good reason. Every day is - to one degree or another - a bit of a struggle. In the beginning that struggle was insanely intense and overwhelming. Thankfully those intense days have subsided. What is there now are episodes of crying and sobbing on various topics that seem to be the result of the trigger of the moment. Visiting and revising the absolutes that I now face, the irrationality of the situation, the fact that I am alone. The harsh reality of losing the companionship that had been a part of my life and having to face aloneness (not a word I’m sure). And then there is God. I do not mean to minimize that aspect of my journey. Those of you who have read the previous essays know of my foundation in God and the strength I have received to get me this far. But as we know we must suffer in this broken world - so I brace myself as each episode unfolds, often lamenting, “Is this what we actually have to go through????”. Thankfully I have my family and that has been a refuge. They have their own lives and cannot stop to cater to me - but regular inclusion into their days for dinner at least 5 times a week because of their schedule gives me a welcome destination and outlet. The ride home has now become so much less of a trauma than it first was. I know God, writing these essays and now the family history project have added a little more substance to my otherwise empty existence of the moment. I know everyone is busy - I know how busy my pre-grief life was and we thought we were as basic as they come. We still couldn’t get everything done we wanted. So I understand. But it is still what it is. And it is tiring. That is why, while I often pine away at some future something where I am functional in some way for some purpose - I know in my current state any of that would not be possible. I just could not pull that off now - even if things opened up for me. So the answer as it has always been is day by day. It’s like the old joke about the restaurant asking the customer how many slices they wanted their pizza cut into. The answer was 10, I could never eat 6. So cutting life down to smaller pieces is the only way for now. Resting when I have to or just can’t cope for the moment. Continuing to pray for the strength I do not have. And finding that it is there when I need it the most.

Written Tuesday, December 3, 2019 / Day 113 / Morning A dichotomy is a division into two contrasting things or parts. As I have learned, nothing is predictable in grief even when you think you are sailing along in momentarily smooth waters. So recently when I experienced two totally new experiences that could not be any different it made me ask the question, “Now what?”. The first situation was the other day when I just, for no apparent reason, began crying uncontrollably. Students of grief perhaps would indicate that this was some type of something as determined by their experiences in grief. I on the other had was just flat out surprised. Like that cream pie in the face - it just hit me out of the blue. Except the cream in my pie was spoiled. It was a rough one. It just started and there I was, sobbing and carrying on as I have so many times in the past months. Except this time I seemed to have nothing to connect the crying to. I am so sad because of….hmmmm, I had nothing. Where did this come from? Well I am certain that the battle that is going on in my emotional life reached some kind of point where the hostilities leaked out and manifested themselves in tears. Not having an idea of why I was crying was somewhat disarming. Oh no, now I’m going to just start crying without warning? Great. But I always seemed to have a reason, a trigger. And this time there was no direct link to the episode. The drama took its course until I returned to the surreal “normal” that I now live. Then recently I was again deeply surprised - except this time it could not have been more of an opposite experience. I awoke the other morning and had this incomprehensible experience - of feeling normal. No I mean “pre-grief” normal. The way I remember feeling before I entered the world of grief. Wow. That was something. I mean totally together, totally settled, totally at peace. Where is a bottle when you need one? I would have saved that for another time. Of course, reality and it’s friends sought me out and escorted me to what is now my present situation. Thanks so much. So as the analyst I’d have to say it seems that there are two dramatically different things going on. One is so optimistic - the other oh so cynical. First I had the most disarming, uncontrollable, emotional breakdown I have experienced yet. Hope that’s not a first of many. Second I woke up feeling more normal than I can ever remember - that would be a great trend to continue. I wish I could pick the one I’d like to have. But unfortunately, where I am right now I have to take things as they come. At least one of the two was positive so that seems like a good thing. And if I have to take the good with the bad - then so be it. At least there is some good in there. I need all the good I can get these days.

Written Monday, December 2, 2019 / Day 112 / Evening As I journey back in time to document the beginnings of our relationship, I have experienced many emotions. I have returned to when the love we found in each other was new. When we were overwhelmed with what was taking place. In stepping through all of the moments that took place - I marvel at the different ways I perceive that time now. Looking back, my wife always had a forlorn attitude about the problems that were caused by what happened. I suppose now - in my current situation I am only seeing things through my eyes. I know that despite what drew us together - she faced many unpleasant situations I never did - so in retrospect from today’s vantage point whatever goodness was there was overshadowed for her by the wrong she now perceived. In my current state of grief I find the recollections of our beginnings comforting. I certainly felt remorse about the way things happened - it was a shock of tectonic proportions for everyone at the time. I know there were naysayers back then as there always are. Those who certainly represent some type (theirs of course) of propriety which was violated by the seemingly irrational behavior they were forced to witness. I knew of some of the commentary - but I did not care. I was at ground zero. I knew what I knew and it was not what they perceived. In our world there is no way to correct those perceptions. So I ignored them. I knew my commitment and they didn’t. I was sad that some were so shallow. It is a lesson to all of us who regularly put our referee jerseys on and pontificate on the situations of friends, acquaintances and public figures. Certainly our evaluation is wise and just. Our ruling complete. Our verdict - without question correct. All the time being more stupid than stupid could be. Because in all of our innate wisdom, our impeccable skills of evaluation and righteous judging - we are missing the key to really understanding what is going on. Empathy. Many do not even know what that is. Let alone have any. Empathy you see is that connection between the visible, raw, unadulterated surface facts - and to the emotion and people in the midst of the situation. Unless you have ever been mis-judged you will have no idea of what I am talking about. You know your situation well - yet you hear the “word on the street” and it is nothing like what you know to be true. You know it is true because you are experiencing it. The others are not. That is what gossip is all about. We can not just mind our own business. We certainly know better. We can see how things are and have decided what the answers should be. In our situation among the closest friends of my wife - she was dismayed that she did not receive any consolation that perhaps there was more to what happened than it appeared on the surface. This pipsqueak came in and destroyed a 4 year old marriage. Then look, they got an apartment together right away. Amazing - that poor husband! Few seemed to be able to even hear the other side of the story. To understand the emotions involved - the way the relationship started and the way things unfolded from her perspective. There was not a lot of comfort shown. And that was disappointing. It just made us closer. It bonded us in an amazing way. So no one else would try to get it? Fine - we did and all we needed was each other. Sure, it is confusing to couples when one of the couples break down. Who do you connect to? For my wife, her husband received the sympathy it seemed. My wife - very little. But for us it did not matter. We knew there was something incredibly special in what had taken place. We both believed in God and had that in our backgrounds. But with the eye of today how could we have done something like that? That is where mercy comes into play. We were no better than any other participants in this broken world. We were broken. Broken in the love department. I’d call it a deep structural problem with our very souls. Actually we all have that at one level or another. What happened to us was that by the series of innocent encounters that took place - those deeply broken structural problems were slowly being filled with something extraordinary. Love. A love we had never experienced. As I have written previously, a love that was not based on the common, physical, temporal elements that are so often displayed and we so often gravitate to in our evaluations of such situations. This love was the genuine article. And when it began to grow - there was nothing that could stop it. Even us. As we would lament about the view of the past from the vantage point of the present - we remembered we sought God’s forgiveness as the depths of the problems that were caused were brought to our consciousness. And He gave it to us. Just as He asks us to do for others. And to those naysayers of the past? - I wish they could see the panorama of our lives and how that love that began endured and survived no matter what came against it. A love so special - it will stay with me for the rest of the time I am on this earth. It is that special. That powerful. Because at its core - humans cannot make something like this happen. But God can. And He did. And I thank Him every day that He gave that love to me and my dear sweet Joann.

Written Friday, November 29, 2019 / Day 109 / Evening I have experienced several dreams I wrote about in past essays since they seemed so real as dreams can be. This morning I woke up after a particularly intense one. You might know the type - one where you are engaged in something quite intense then you wake up and some of the momentum of the dream carries on as you wake up - just like you were there in person. That’s how this morning’s dream went - rather intense about me confronting someone. I didn’t think too much of it and went on with my day. But unlike regular dreams - the core of this dream stayed with me all day. Then later in the day some of it came together in an intriguing way. Here is the core of what the dream involved. I was traveling with a companion - a woman who, as usual, was not anyone I could identify. We were trying to go somewhere together and were walking though various places to get to our destination. At one point, we cut through a building - sometimes like you might have done at the mall to get from inside the mall to your car - using a store to go through instead of the official mall entrance since the store was closer to where you had parked. As we cut through the building, which was rather old and dark, there were rooms of people inside sitting around. There were some standing in in the hallway as well as in the various rooms we saw as we made our way to the exit door. As we approached the door, there was a stream of people coming in. So many that we had to pause and wait for them. Some had bags, luggage and other things they were carrying. There were so many. Their demeanor was somber, sort of just shuffling along to get in. The room was dark, poorly lit and a bit drab. When our turn came, the proprietor of the building stopped us and informed us that we could not leave the building. We were flustered. We were just trying to get to our destination by taking this shortcut through the building. We were under no obligation to stay. Well apparently we were. The proprietor was quite clear on this. There was contention and arguing. The people around us shuffling around within the rooms and a general flow of activity was taking place around us. After a period of this arguing, the proprietor changed his mind and said that my companion could leave. Just pack up her belongings that she brought in the building and leave. I was ecstatic. As she prepared to leave, the proprietor stopped me and said that I could not join her. I argued why not? Why does she get to go but I do not? There was no reason to stop us in the first place so there should be no reason to force us to stay. He was fine with her leaving. But then focused on me. I could only go if I left everything I had brought into the building behind. I protested. I brought these things in here and there was no reason for him to make me leave them behind. But insisted he did. My companion had already left and there I was in the argument. I was intense with the proprietor. I am leaving this place and there is nothing you can do to stop me. You have no hold over me. You only have the hold over me that I am allowing you to have. He just looked at me with no comment. I can just walk out of here right now! What are you going to do to stop me? You haven’t told us that? Actually all of these people could probably leave - they just think they have to stay because you told them that. But you really have no way to stop us! I was getting ready to walk out. Intensely speaking to the proprietor - you have nothing over me! I am going to leave and you cannot stop me. And then I woke up. It took all day for me to think about this. Usually your dreams fade away when you are awake a bit. But the staying power of this dream was sort of odd. It hung around all day until it dawned on me. Do I have even more control over this state I am in than I realize? Lately I have been speaking directly to everything in the house with the message that I will no longer be captive to the sadness they take me to. I will no longer invoke memories that take me down. If I am honoring my sweetie in some way by going there fine - but just to cry for cryings sake - well I am done with all of that! As I mused the situation it struck me - while our losses are permanent in this life - can this grief and mourning go away? Or more likely - can I start walking away from them…myself? An interesting and intriguing idea. One that will be played out in the days and weeks ahead. As God leads me to this nebulous future that awaits me - could it be that I think it will be delivered to me. When in reality it might be that it is waiting for me - just outside grief’s door?

Written Wednesday, November 27, 2019 / Day 107 / Morning As the eve of the most thankful day of the year approaches I am as conflicted as I always am. Facing these days without the most extraordinary person I could have ever had the privilege of knowing - let alone sharing life with for 47 years - and amidst the sadness and emptiness that is part of my everyday life - I have encountered an unexpected visitor - gratitude. Unexpected because in the world of grief there is nothing positive. The closest I get to positive is the momentary absence of emptiness and despair. Somewhat like a truce - the war is not over (nor will it ever be as far as the loss is concerned) but the fighting has ceased for the moment. So to have the unexpected visitor of gratitude show up is quite disarming. The reaction? - “What are you doing here?”, I might ask. “To remind you of what you have.”, is the response. Well - go away is my answer - I’m fine in my crater of a life trying to navigate the rubble to see where I end up whenever I can find my way out of the maze. But gratitude is trying to make a point. Okay, I’ll listen. I learn that I have quite a bit. In my personal situation I have a home, resources and family that has reached out to embrace me. I have been given the ability to take action in several areas - the biggest one was traveling back home to visit family and friends in October. Unfortunately I relived a lot of what I wanted to avoid and had every fiber of my being fighting against. But once I returned and had several of the most intense days I could have ever imagined - there was a noticeable change in the relentless despair and heaviness I had been facing. An astounding answer to a prayer. But an infinitely painful journey to arrive at the blessing. And then there is the memory of my dear sweetie. I can at least have a few and not face the toxic meltdown that the exercise used to invoke. I am grateful to God that He let me find such an incredible person - one who I was happy to give my life for when she needed it. One who is no longer suffering. One who has finished her race and is awaiting the future time we read about in 1 Thessalonians 4:16. And this writing that I can barely understand has given me comfort and perhaps someday can help others navigate this dark place we must contend with. Then there is hope. Like that smoke alarm battery that keeps beeping to be replaced - I constantly have a picture of things getting better. I don’t know how. I don’t know when. And actually right now - I just don’t care about any of that. Yet that little beep is still in the background. It’s calling. But now is not the time for that. It is a time to continue to honor my dear sweetie by taking things day by day just as she did. By following along in the tremendous faith she displayed at the absolutely worst time in her life. By facing the day and honoring her memory by sharing her life as I am able. This may not be the day for the future. But it is a day that will take me there. And for that I am grateful beyond words.

Written Saturday, November 23, 2019 / Day 103 / Late Morning A few weeks ago it appeared to me that my journey took a new path. Perhaps that path had been the path I had already been on - but it was that day when I became aware of the change. The change was that I have a more active role in managing my emotions than I though was possible. Now I can not command them but what I have been finding is that I can direct the emotional flow - if you could call it that - just a bit. Where I live these days - any change to the atmosphere is truly welcome - and comforting. It was significant - for me - that the realization came on what would have been our 46th anniversary. A new milestone to replace an old one. My analytical nature loves when situations align themselves in a way that is meaningful. Because what I had been dealing with for these past months was the incessant call of those “things”, those artifacts of my life that kept reminding me of what they were. Lost opportunities. Dreams that were destroyed. Future experiences that would no longer be possible. I could go on and on - you know. But I won’t, that was the problem. In the midst of the brokenness I was in our room that has our desk and other things that had no place to go since our house is small and storage is limited. So ironically the things that have no where to go for now and myself who also has no place to go for now had a meeting. My declaration was short. I no longer am taking a cue from any of you things. You are all out of business as a negative reminder of my current sorry state. I’m done with all of you. Then I told them they have a new job - and this was their orientation on their first day of work. Their new job? To be an encourager. From now on, all of you things are going to remind me of the incredible love I have for my wife. You are all going to take me of a place of comfort for the wonderful blessing God gave me in her. You are going to make me think of love and peace. Your job as spoilers is over. So get over it. You are now my cheerleaders. Now some of you might fall back into your old ways. Let me tell you something - you don’t have a chance. You can take your shots but they will no longer affect me. You see God is helping me turn my grief into strength. And today you are all joining my team to help me get there. Don’t think for a moment that this changes the loss I have experienced - nor does it take away the sadness that will certainly come - as it should and as it must. But instead of falling down the cliff of despair - instead of relishing on all the negative aspects of the loss - we are now going to a higher place. And God is taking us there. And in this sorry life I have right now - you are all going to take me there whether you like it or not. Now when I see something that formerly took me down - I might have a momentary flash of what it used to do to me - I look it straight in its symbolic eye and tell it to take a hike. Be gone. You can no longer take me there - you can try and in weaker moments maybe even pull me a bit your way. But I have a new direction - even if I am not completely clear on where that is right now. I have no way of knowing other than in some weird way I know that it will change. But I have that new direction. And it’s not based on grief. It’s based on hope. The idea that I now have a new direction is clear - I may not know where that is exactly but I know one thing for sure. It’s away from you.

Written Friday, November 22, 2019 / Day 102 / Evening One of the constants towards the end of our extraordinary relationship was Joann’s frequent question to me, “Why do you love me?”. In one sense I though she always knew. I know I did. But I was on the one side of the equation she was on the other. It is difficult to know someone else’s heart. I just knew that we came together in the most extraordinary way as I have written in previous essays. My answer to the question always seemed to perplex her. I knew she was always trying to figure things out - but our love - after all those years - was something that seemingly mystified her. I don’t know if my answer ever satisfied her completely. It was as clear to me on that first day as it turned out to be on the last. Sure as humans - it wasn’t the same intensity as in the beginning. When you are 20 - you just cannot be the same person when you are in your 60’s or 70’s. But to me one thing was the same. At least to me. And that thing was the bond that was created between us at the very beginning. If you think about your relationships - which ones are based on superficial elements? In traditional cases it could be looks, profession or ability. These things do connect people. But the problem with those elements is that when they change - the basis of the relationship will also change. If the relationship is based on a superficial element - it is very clear when that element changes so will the relationship. Perhaps that is why there is so much confusion in our society as far as relationships go. They are based on current conditions - and that is not a formula for endurance. My relationship with Joann started out in the most innocent way. And it was not based on the superficial. We both came from backgrounds where in all of our previous days we never had a true deep love in our lives. Our parents never supplied it. The relationships we had with others had not supplied it. We had shadows of it - in certain situations, with certain people but never what you would call “the real thing”. So when our innocent interactions began to connect us - connect us in a way we were not even perceiving was taking place - we started to experience something we had never experienced in our lives before. Someone actually caring about us in a deeper way than we ever had known. Our intentions never were to pursue anything other than a cordial, friendly relationship. She was funny - a little flirty, but that was her instincts reaching out to everyone to try to find a connection. I was so inexperienced in relationships I had no idea what I was doing. I only had an idea that I was encountering something I had never encountered before. As time went on - these encounters took on a life of there own. We were connecting on a level even we did not quite grasp. Two loveless people were beginning to experience the unleashing of something that would grow beyond ourselves. Beyond our sensibilities of the day. Beyond our ability to ignore what it was becoming. All this, remember based on nothing more than conversation. There was nothing beyond that. We recognized that and respected each other enough to never go beyond there in any way and we never did. All this to say what finally was formed had a bond that transcended what a conventional ”normal” relationship looked like. This is why it looked so trite, so usual and dare I say trashy to the casual observer. When you examine something on the surface - from the observer level - you cannot see what is really behind what is visible. Traditionally that is physical and run-of-the-mill. What had formed between us was nothing like that. Nothing like that at all. The bond that was formed between us was enduring - it had a deep and solid foundation. We had replaced the emptiness in both of our lives with something so concrete - it filled that void with a love that is even now - difficult for me to explain or quantify. It just was. And for me still is. This bond was beyond the normal relationship. In addition, the volatile situations that would be unleashed in our early days together - by what was built between us - would only serve to solidify that bond even more. When you have that type of bond - that foundation - there is little that can destroy it. Certainly things can and will come against it. As flesh - we humans suffer from weaknesses. We are bothered, we get angry - we snap - we bite. Yes these things happen - but if the bond that is between those persons is solid - those superficial occurrences can not touch that deep foundation. Such was our relationship. When I would answer the question - and from the first time I answered it - I did not even hesitate for one second. My answer, “God lets me sees the part of you He sees - that’s why I love you so much.”. I know that did not reach her on one level. She would think those human failings were a sign that our love was not what we thought it was - that it was damaged or affected by our human reactions. I do not believe I could ever make her truly see that in this life - but I know what I know. And I know that the foundation we had was beyond even us. It was forged in fire. It transcended even us because God’s love was behind it. No human will can persevere for so long and so diligently - this type of love is beyond us. I never loved her for superficial reasons as our relationship started. I often told her that I first fell in love with her brain! It was her essence that I fell in love with. Her humor, her wit, her caring and compassion. All these things were an expression of God in her. How could I not love that? And then she was cute. That did come next - but it was always second to what had come before. I hoped that within me she saw the same. From that day in the new apartment when compassion and caring for her washed away any other way of thinking that I had and led me to tell her on that night that I would never leave her to be alone to suffer by herself - we entered something beyond special. And until that last breath she took - as I watched her finally be freed of her suffering - that bond we had - was the basis of that incredible love. A love I will always have for her - and long for you, the reader of this essay to appreciate like you have never before. I only pray that in your life - you have your bond - and know like I have finally learned - God is at the center of it. That God’s love flows though us and if you commit to that type of bond - you will be able to answer the question, “Why do you love me?”, in the same way I could answer my sweetheart.

Written Tuesday, November 19, 2019 / Day 99 / Morning Of all the bitter things in the vast sea of bitter things I have been dealing with is the loss of the future. The future I thought was ahead of me. When you think about it, we live our lives anticipating the future. Whether mighty or mundane - the idea of what is coming really drives a lot of what we do. Mundane in that we need to deal with what’s coming up tomorrow, next week or next month. Mighty when we look forward to a vacation, a season or a future special occasion. So for me, so much of the grieving and mourning that is currently my life has that theme - the loss of the future. Here I was anticipating retirement. During that preparation time my company offered a retirement package to the entire company. So since I was already in the process I was able to receive some amazing blessings from that situation. My sweetie and I had been struggling with everything. Her with her new limitations and me with working full time and trying to take on all the duties that she could no longer fulfill. It was doable - not pleasant for her as I knew she could not do as much as she wanted. Not pleasant for me because all of my life and interests (other than her of course - she was my total and supreme interest when it came down to that topic) were on hold to be able to keep up with the relentless but barely manageable life that we were trying to lead. We had plans - not concrete ones - but plans based on the fact we could do some of the things we always had wanted to do but were forced by our current situation to ignore. So when all that went away - it was the most devastating event that could ever take place for me. Losing her meant I lost everything I valued or cared about in this life. Then dealing with the peripheral layer of everything to which she was connected in my life was next. In assessing the damage that is vast and incomprehensible to my innate analytical mindset - I ended up with the next realization. The realization that amidst the damage and overwhelming devastation to my world as I looked up out of the rubble there was something even grander that was missing. I could no longer see any of it nor could I even care about it if I could see it. It was the future. My future. And it was now gone. Vanished. And not a trace or fragment of it remained to be recovered or salvaged. So not only is the stark “alone-ness” (not a word, I know) one of the realities of this present time - the lack of any perceptible future is another of the harsh realities that faces me each day. Not that I dwell on it at all - I don’t have to. It is no longer there. It’s hard to mourn for something that has not happened yet. I guess I could mourn for the idea of what could have been. But as I have learned - and declared to myself - I will not allow myself to mourn for a manufactured reality that has never even happened yet. Those are useless paths that only generate sadness. And I m not going to do that. But realizing that my future also died - is the latest of the unending realizations and revelations that has taken place over these past 99 days. We are geared for the future inherently - God has put that in our very natures. And now I no longer have one - in this life at least. I firmly believe and know with all of my heart, just as my sweetie knew - that we have an incredible future awaiting. Read Romans 8:18-25 if you would like to know what I’m talking about here. That future I can see - even though we do not see the fullness or detail of it - that future is awaiting us. But in this life - currently my future is - blank. Empty. Sort of a “fill in the blanks” exercise. There just is nothing there. As I have written regularly - a future without my sweetie is no future at all. But I know that I cannot underestimate God. Right now I am a total mess in the future department - day to day is tolerable, less biting than it has been, but based on what is right ahead of me. Currently my “future” is the weekend or next week if I really want to get out there. Last week I had to make a dental appointment for May 20, 2020. That’s like a thousand years from now to me right at the present time. So in the meantime I follow the only plan I can - day by day. Just like my sweetie did until God decided He would take her to her future. I know my time will come in His time. But for now I will do what I can, mourn for what is lost and pray for the strength I know is coming. Strength to embrace the future - whenever it arrives for me.

Written Sunday, January 12, 2020 / Day 153 / Late afternoon As I reflect on the essays in this Volume 5, I marvel at how many of them I cannot actually read without deep emotional moments. I do not know if that is progress or not. I will probably not know progress even if it slapped me in the face. But one thing I do know is that time is marching on. It is somewhat irrelevant right now - except for those bills I must pay, the tasks I have to compete. Other than them, the date is just a reference point to a strange reality I used to have of a life. Objectives are small - often times I think I may be doing well. Other times I can only see failure and nothingness. Yet that ongoing hope still calls from a distant point. Like that person trying to get your attention in a crowded room. That person calling your name to get you to recognize them - straining amidst the roar of the crowd to be heard. I do hear its call. It is there. I am just not there. The only reference I can make is that the overall intensity of the awfulness of my life has lessened. The overwhelming longing for my sweetie has not. My constant thread is to remember what decision God made - the hope my sweetie was steadfast in. And very vocal about. The fact that I am here for something - like it or not. The conversations I have with the forces that surround me - telling them to get lost. It is on that note that we end Volume 5. The journey continues. And I am now just a bit closer to wherever that journey is taking me.