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The Road Traveled Six years ago today was the worst day of my life. It is amazing on this day to reflect on that fact. For from the ashes of that awful day has come the beauty of this new day. A day that has begun in a totally new life. I do not mean just a reorganized life, a refurbished life or even a revitalized life. I mean a totally new life. And while the life is new, grief is still a part of it. Except now grief has taken its rightful place in my history. A state of mind that was overwhelming, intolerable and unyielding has now become a reference to a time that has passed. The contentions with the “new life” I always fought now reduced to historic markers along the route of the grief journey. God, of course, being the reference point within all of it. From the “still small voice” I often heard during those tumultuous days to the reassuring voice I now hear that calms and settles. Challenges in the new life are there - they must be because we dwell in a broken place where everything is broken except for the salt and light we bring to it. A new family in Christ has appeared and has been an unexpected blessing. The unprecedented a regular occurrence in the new life that is, well, new. New is nothing you have ever experienced. When you receive a new item, it is new - something you have never experienced. That is why the truly new things in life are actually fresh, compelling and uplifting. They are nothing you have experienced before. That goes along with challenges as well. Those can be new as well. Testing your thoughts and ideas. Stretching your consciousness to embrace new perspectives. In those awful days of grief I experienced an idea that there would be a new life someday. But beyond that thought the idea of something new showing up, the reality of that time quite effectively stomping that idea into the ground. You see twelve had an immense power over me. It was a reminder of the trauma, the loss and the absence of what once was. It was too much to take. Now, however, twelve is just another number. In perspective that is amazing when considering what was. But it is nothing when considering God knew of this day and that the new life would arrive despite my resistance to that idea. In the past life I was dogmatic on many things. In this new life I was challenged to test those assertions and determine what was actually true. I found that in Christ I have discovered what really matters. What has brought healing and what honors the God I have served and who has graciously saved my life. When you get enough miles on you, there comes a point where you can see the wheat and the chaff of your life. The richness that was there. The amazing people God sent to be a part of it. And when it was time, to follow Gods calling to a new place. Because after all, it is His calling we receive. And His calling leads to His purpose for our lives. This new place then, does not diminish the old in any way. It lifts up the best of those times that have added to what we are today. And while time, space and emotion prevented embracing those times, they are now honored in that they are the foundation of the present. The good we have in us does not come from us. We have nothing to offer at all except a love for our savior. Yet the good God put in the best moments of our past makes us what we are today. And added to the newness that I have experienced in this new life - only honors the best of those foundational days as I press on to the high calling that Jesus has given to me - as well as honoring all of you who were a part of those times.

Grief, as we know, is different for each individual. Sure there are facets of the grief journey that are common to all participants yet there are unique elements that will surface in your journey that are unlike any others. For me one of those elements has been the separation of the current life from the past life. As my original life crumbled around me, I was left with the destruction of the pattern of life I knew. Although that old life had it’s issues, of course, emerging from the wreckage was continually painful and disorienting. At first, trying to continue on with the previous pattern of life - as flawed as it was - became an issue of its own. With the element of my life that made my life my life now absent - it became obvious that continuing on was awkward and uncomfortable for everyone involved. Those elements that I still loved, were lost in the aftermath of the loss. New peripheral losses emerging in surprising ways. Our lives are so connected at so many levels that we dare not attempt to figure it all out - if we could. However, the finality of a loss does begin a process of separation that is open ended and continual. Of course - the emotional side of all of this quite dependent on the person’s emotional make-up. I, in particular, was immensely emotional which did not make any of this easy. When God took the implausibility of ever bringing me together with a kindred spirit in grief and made it plausible - my awe and wonder was stunning. How could this be possible? How could I ever meet someone? How could that meeting ever lead to anything deep and lasting? How could there be maturity when there was not experience? Death and life are messy. Those of us in grief cannot come to grips with the finality of a death any more than we can navigate our lives (new or old) without stumbling quite frequently as the new life collides with left-over elements of the past life. In my case now, there is a clear delineation of my lives. There was an old one and now there is a new one. Although that might seem quite simplistic, the reality of the old and new is quite powerful. New is new. That’s all there is to it. And in this newness there is a completely new perspective. The transition to this newness ever seasoned with all that came before. That seasoning quite subtle in so many ways. All the time I notice these little reminders of what came before. They pop through the barrier all the time - if just for a moment - and acknowledge their place as an element that I left behind in the past. After all, life is life. While framed in this newness, the past is like a watermark. Quite subtle but if you look a certain way - you see it. Sadness - the foundation of my past life in grief, has been totally been replaced with irony. Ironic things of the present glimmer at times with a vision of what came before. For me they are not melancholy or disarming - but reinforcements that say, “Look, this is how you got here.” But what I have had to do - and I do not know if this is permanent or a passing reality - is distance myself from the past life. Since I am physically in a new place - and the old place is literally gone along with 99% of it’s artifacts - there is no real longing to return. Surely there were so many relationships and experiences of that time that were so meaningful - at that time. I have found that embracing those elements do take me to a place that I do know is past. In grief, one of the elements that does trap you - it certainly trapped me severely for quite a time - was holding on to the past. It was really my reality for quite a time. Now that need has dissipated in the new life - but even hinting of going back in any way becomes uncomfortable when those rare moments appear. Whether this is an element that will someday be less of a problem I do not know - so for now I must stay firmly in the new world. Venturing back through so many ways that would return me to that time is just not wise - or so it seems. Think of new wine in old wineskins as the parable teaches. New and old are not compatible at one level. My current state surely makes that point clear to me often. It is disconcerting that what was valuable in the past, meaningful and real cannot - for the moment - exist with me in this new place. There is an uncomfortable atmosphere associated with those past elements. Will that always be the case? Who knows. There is no “end” of the grief journey. It is different for everyone. Many will be able to blend both worlds - but for me - that is just not yet possible - for the present. Perhaps I’m too literal - perhaps it may appear selfish - who knows what it is. One of the many things I have learned in the grief journey is that the journey does take on new character and perspectives as you live it. And of course, God is the point. For His purpose and His plan I’ll see the way to go - and what that way will look like. Some changes are quickly apparent - others more subtle and gradual. But for that past I have left behind - everything and everyone and every experience in it has led to this exact moment. All of the past life is the foundation of today. All of it has made me what I am at this point - the new in all of its newness propelling me to that future I had so much distaste for in the worst days of my grief. It is an honor to have that much love and past experiences be the foundation of today. An entire life that is in reality the foundation of this new world. So as I go ever onwards to where that new world leads - I know that God’s glory will be manifested in all of it - using the richness of that past life as the foundation for what He is building in the new life I am growing in each day.

Written Friday, March 28, 2020 / Day 229 / Afternoon As I enter yet another part of this journey, I am entering unfamiliar territory. Those who have been rescued from traumatic situations encounter a difficult period of time after their rescue. The physical conditions have dramatically changed for the better due to the rescue. The ongoing pain of each day now replaced by the strange yet welcome atmosphere of stability. Yet, to the rescued participant, there is a considerable amount of transition that is ahead. The physical conditions may have changed - but the emotional trauma, the daily struggle against the formidable powers of captivity still hold a latent grasp on the rescued soul. Having been blessed to not have suffered physically in any way, the depths of the emotional trauma I experienced were bottomless. In that emotional wilderness the ever present reality that the awfulness cannot really be shared to receive comfort. This was a constant frustration. Wanting to relieve the suffering with some form of comfort - all that could be done was experience the empathy and compassion that others attempted to provide. Those efforts though - did not really pierce that emptiness. Not wanting to be viewed as broken (which we are) we put our best foot forward - all the time knowing that we are just pretending for the public. The public that observes, “Oh look at how well they are doing!”. When all the time we are just gaging at the dichotomy of the emotional spectrum in which we must live. Putting on that happy public persona while our insides struggled to endure. Now entering this time when the forces of darkness have essentially lost their full power (yet they do retain the ability to still bite a bit) - this new reality is very strange. Having a visit from an old friend calm (Volume 7 - Essay #15 “Reunion”) was quite the surprise. Just the appearance of calm was as much of a shock as calm can inflict - calm by its very nature is a settling thing. This week however, a new arrival has made an equally dramatic entrance in its own understated way. Peace. Peace arrived earlier this week. Its arrival has launched me on a very different trajectory. Peace and calm seem to work together. To me calm was the advance team preparing the way for peace to arrive. This element of peace has compelled me frequently this week. Compelled me to stop what I was doing, sit down and then…..do nothing. And there I am just sitting there. Marveling at the moment. There is tranquility. There is an absence of strife. It is all around me. Its presence just as compelling as what has been replaced. What is missing is that background, slowly simmering unsettledness of the life I have left behind. And the moment is breathtaking in its simplicity. That’s how peace is. Now I sit in abject awe of how my world of just 27 days ago could be so replaced by this peace. I go through the day with objectives and tasks to accomplish and then along the way I feel this overwhelming force that says, stop. Come over here. Sit. Reflect. See what I have brought you? Yes, I say. It is wonderful. It is so welcome. Now the tears are for a different reason. There have been so many on this journey. So many that have come from equally as many sources. Some from despair. Others from anguish. Still others from lost dreams. Then the ones that came from changes in the journey. Those that came from God’s power when it touched the deepest regions of my soul with His love. Those that have come as the war with the future ended and a new way to go emerged. Now come the most joyous tears. They will line the road ahead as I learn how to navigate that road. As I learn the lessons that are to be learned. Those tears of the future. Those tears of joy that the lessons of peace have brought to the journey.

We live our lives - with their highs and lows, successes and failures unaware of what we are really doing. Then one day, we are asked to leave the party, the banquet of our lives. It is unsettling, traumatic and so much more. In today’s episode, we will explore that unexpected moment all of us in grief have had to face. From Volume 2 “One Day at a Time” - Day 49 - Essay #13 - “The Banquet” Return to the Podcast Page

August twelfth is coming and along with it an assessment of life. No matter how we run from the moment - now is what life is all about. Yet within grief I experienced both the longing and inclination to live in the past as well as total denial that I would ever embrace the future again - in any form. In the current now there is a peace that is beyond understanding. A peace that is hard to convey to those around me. What defines me right now is the contrast of my past and the present lives. They could not have been more opposite. In grief - despite the blessing that my physical needs were completely met - the utter desolation of an empty life was more burdensome than I could have ever imagined. The weight of that burden a constant struggle. A struggle that others could never really see because it was in fact my struggle. In the dawn of a new life - the meaning behind those words equally as difficult to communicate to others. It is new - completely. Utterly. Amazingly. The memory of the former anguish now faded - yet the memory of that time still lurking in the background. During that time I was assured by a fellow grief sufferer that, “It will get better”. While I appreciated the sentiment - the context of life at that time was far from better. In the back of my mind I did feel that was possible yet I was trapped in a reality I could not conceive of how “better” would ever happen. In my new world I have met a good number of people who are grieving. Strangely I now communicate that same message to them, “It will get better”. Sitting in a place of immeasurable peace - both physically and spiritually - that assessment now rings true. I long to bottle some of it up and send it along to those now battling the insurmountable losses they face. While knowing that as they find their way - they too will one day be able to send the same message of a better future. Quick and easy answers are what our culture promotes. In grief there are none - no matter what you might be told. Previous essays have touched upon so many of those realities we grief sufferers have and continue to face. Twelves - at first - were always a personal burden. Not only because my dear Joann came into the world on a twelve - but also completed her race on a twelve. The orderly system analyst in me finding some type of cosmic peace in those patterns. No longer do twelves disable me. Part of the healing you might say - part of the exercise of living through life and through grief. They now serve as a marker - a monument of sorts. A monument to a past life that has now taken its rightful place in history. A reminder that as each appears on the horizon that indeed - it is better. What God has done here - a monument to His love and care. I always knew He had me. Of course I was lost. Confused. Bewildered. Not having a clue as to how I would ever again operate. Safely hidden in the past no matter how much the future made its case. Now the future - my future is indeed here - the better life I knew would come has appeared. As each “better” today unfolds I am in abject wonder of it all. I see things with an element of awe that is as equally difficult to communicate as those painful days of grief. God knew of today - each day - before I would ever admit that such days were possible for me. Others yes - but me - not really. And yet here we are. In a life I could not have foreseen. As I survey my surroundings there are parts of the past still with me. There are some artifacts that have followed me. Their poignance an elegant reminder of the bridge they now are. They take me to days of the past. And where there used to be a bitter spin to those moments - they now serve as a reassurance. Their message - “see, you are here. It IS better now.” And yes it is. Just as in my grief - I’m not completely sure where I am going exactly. But that is okay. Because of the One I follow. He has brought me here for His purpose. If you know of the insurmountable burden of grief - please take hold of this thought - “it will get better”. Because it will. Just hold on to the One who can take you there. And let Him.

Written Wednesday January 22, 2020 / Day 163 / Morning My life had a meeting today. I was contemplating how I was doing and having the usual difficult time coming up with an answer. It is so difficult to know what is of the moment and what is foundational. I overheard some of what was being discussed as my life met - there was quite a discussion that took place. The Past spoke first. “I am the only comfort that he has right now. I enjoy our visits and I know he does. Here in the Past things are certain - there is meaning. And as he has found out - there are still new revelations about me that were never known to him before. I know he cannot stay here as much as he would like. And I don’t want to see him leave. But I know he has to go back.” At that point, Reality interrupted, “Come on Past, you know that I am really in charge of everything. I let him visit you - but remember, he must come back to me. He has no choice. Oh sure, I know of all his hiding places but that’s fine. I let him have his moments with you - but really, I have the final word on everything - no matter what he thinks.”. Observing the conversation, Guilt made an effort to interject, “I know I do not have a lot to say here. He really doesn’t have a lot to do with me. He lived a life where he did not meet with me that much. Oh sure, he had a few minor encounters with me - but overall, I’m sad to say, we really did not have a very close relationship. I do not have much to offer. Other than I am always here and ready to contribute. But that can happen only if I am invited. Thanks for having me here.”. Conscience was a little agitated by Guilt’s observations, “You know Guilt, the real reason he doesn’t have much to do with you is because he deals with me quite a bit. He checks with me on most things. I try to give him the right path and the majority of the times he does listen to me. Sure he goes off on a few tangents, but I am proud to say he really listens to me and I think that helps him so much. And that helps him stay away from you.”. Emotion, observing the conversation so far - weighs in, “All of what you are all saying is fine but I know you all underestimate me and my influence. Reality, I know you are a bit full of yourself, and you make many true points - but at the end of the day, no matter what you think - I do have a significant influence on just about everything. I know it drives him, and all of you - crazy because you have no concept of how I operate. But know this - I am dealing with things that are beyond your perceptions. I have my ways and based on what I have to deal with here - I often just take over for my purpose. I can be overwhelming at times but that’s just how I operate. Lately I am finding there is a change going on I can’t quite put my finger on. But that is the world I live in.”. Purpose decided it was time to speak, “I know I am not wanted at this meeting, I know my ability to do anything has been restricted but I have to say that I have been able to make a few small contributions to what we are dealing with. I used to be quite a player here - but now I have found that I have been able to make a small effort to contribute. It took 8 weeks but he has now taken steps to change the pattern of his life. That was a titanic effort for him - but he made his first step. I think that is what you are feeling, Emotion, that change is making a difference. It is smaller than small - but it is change.” Apathy finally stepped in, “I don’t know why I even bother with any of you. You all know I could not care any less. And Reality, as much as you try to put on a good front, I have really been running things here. He may have to come back to you because that’s just who you are, but I really have most of his life right now.”. “Look at his past, he was under so much daily obligation and pressure that now that he is alone - he cannot fathom how to operate. He cannot handle pressure of any kind. I know that is why he has embraced me so completely. He is protecting himself from facing you, After all, Reality, I am his refuge when he is not with you. I am taking care of him now and if I have my way - he will be with me as long as he wants.”. The Future then - sees its opportunity to speak, “I am the least likely to have much to contribute here. I know Reality, we often work together but since he has rejected me completely, I really do not have the opportunity to speak at these meetings. He has made it clear to me that he wants nothing to do with me and I understand. His life has disintegrated and he does not know how to work with me without his dear one. So while I understand - I do become impatient with him. We both know that he will have to deal with me at some point. He’s just is not ready for me right now - but I will be here when he is ready.”. Sorrow was upset by all of this and spoke, “You all do not acknowledge me as much as you should. I am at the forefront of his life and you all know it. Emotion, you and I work closely together and when we work together, all of you others really can not do anything about me. I don’t wait for your permission - when I am coming I just arrive. And when I do - life just stands still for the moment and all of you have to step back and let me operate. It has to be this way because I do have a bit of power here. Some of you can be ignored - but I cannot be ignored. But Emotion, I agree with you, something has changed recently. I can not identify it exactly but I do sense a disturbance of some kind.”. Love had waited long enough, “I know none of you know how to deal with me. I am unlike any of you at this meeting. My influence is beyond your ability to understand. Let me tell you this - I have watched him let me flow through him to his dear one for 47 earth years. This made him what he was and I blended him with his dear one. The bond that had been formed has now been broken. It was decided and then took place. Now I am holding him as he deals with that decision. I wish you would all help out a bit more here. He is doing everything he can but he does not have the strength on his own to face this. I am helping him and will never leave him. So do not jockey for position here - help him. Future, he will be with you when it is time. It is not time yet.”. God’s Spirit called the meeting to order, “It is time to end this meeting. I just want to tell you all that I know you do not understand me. You try to define me but I am from another dimension. Yes, I am speaking with you now - but I work in an infinite number of ways that are beyond what you are seeing at this moment. I am more than a voice - much more, someday you will all understand this in a greater way.”. “There is no way to label me, although you do and in your labels limit your understanding of me - but that cannot stop me or the One I represent.”. “Listen to what Love just tried to tell you. Love is my agent here in your world - it is how I operate. So listen to Love, help Love. His dear one is awaiting her future just as all those who have gone before. He knows that but the loss is just too great for his limited human mind to grasp. Love and I live in eternity and he does not. We see the picture quite clearly here but we are beyond earthly human thinking. My message to all of you is to leave this meeting with a new perspective - please. You all have a new objective - listen to Love, embrace Love and put your petty aspirations where they belong. There is still work for him to do. Help him to see that in any way you can. You all have the power to do this and if you contact me, I’m ready to give you the ability to do so. I represent more than you can grasp - so turn to Love. Love will enable you all in ways you could never imagine.”. With that the meeting was dismissed.

Written Monday, November 25, 2019 / Day 105 / Afternoon I have flashbacks all of the time to what I would call my “pre-grief” life. They are short because that’s all they can be. That part of my life is over and my current life is in this state of hollow emptiness that exists in a cultural bubble to all who are around me. We all are familiar with the way death is processed - an immediate outpouring of attention and support. Intense expressions of loss that are felt by all of those affected. The intensity fades depending upon how close to and how affected the person is to the actual loss. Over those succeeding weeks the intensity and contact diminishes, diminishes until it is virtually gone. Everyone must return to their lives. There are duties, responsibilities and obligations that need to be met. So meet them we do. There’s just one problem - the victim - or victims of the loss are left with their loss. Depending on their support structure they may be facing that loss with or without the direct regular involvement of others. If a spouse - the loss is quite direct, for other family members it is just as biting since that former connection no longer exists. For those of us who carry the loss then, we face our lives in a rather peculiar reality. That of being alone - or as I am seeing - in a bubble. You can be outright alone or within a family support structure - either way your bubble is there. And you are in it. In my “pre-grief” life’s perception - I’m just not sure what I though about those in the midst of their losses. Depending upon the situation there were periodic degrees of sadness. But then there were obligation to attend to - life to deal with and off I would go. I do not have ill will towards anyone now because I was there. You reached out as best you could and then back you went. Perhaps an occasional card or if close enough a phone call. So I get it that I don’t have a lot of contact. Thankfully I have participated in several support groups. They have been helpful. Then there is my “administrative life” and the writing that helps to some degree. But the rest of it is pretty awful. The loss of the other half of my life is a difficult pill to swallow at the moment. Difficult even though I know God has been inching me along. And I do know at the deepest levels of my spirit I am in really no shape for anything too complex at the present time. So I have reached out to my family and they have been a comfort. I have to do the reaching even there but that’s okay. I have to get used to doing something although the thought of doing anything is oh so distasteful to me at the moment. One of the earliest thoughts I had in all of this was that everything would have to be new. New because since she was at the heart of my life - that life is operationally over. It had also died. If there is to be something out there in the future - it looks like it will have to be new. I have no idea what that is - but that’s fine. New will come along and I know I will recognize it when it becomes visible to me. I retroactively become sad for how uninvolved I was in reaching out to those grieving a loss. Somehow my life and activities gave me a pass since, well, I have all these things to do. Things I have to do. Really? Wow. I’m so sad for my ‘pre-grief” self. I actually want to give my “pre-grief” self a slap or two for being so insensitive. But here in the bubble now - I navigate each day as it comes. I observe those outside the bubble in their lives and activities. That was me in the day so again, I understand. I will pray for the strength - which I seem to be receiving - to help me endure my time here. Until that day I hear that wonderful sound. The sound of my bubble - bursting into something new.

When this journey into the unknown began - the trauma was all encompassing. The momentum of the past being catapulted against an impenetrable wall of grief and loss. Loss of the closest relationship that had made life worth living. With that relationship eliminated - the repercussions were more than could be processed by any normal mind. Such was life - coping with the paradox, the loneliness, the emptiness while the world merrily went on like nothing significant had taken place. On the regular day of September 8, 2020 all of that was about to change. Change into something that could have never been anticipated or expected. That change and background have been covered in past observations. This message is written from what I would call “the other side”. It is a place some told me existed - but while trapped in grief - sounded just like one of those things you say to someone to attempt to comfort them. Although while living in grief - there is scant comfort in those assessments that things would one day be “better”. November 29, 2020 was the day the impossible became possible. A wedding to a person that I could have never dreamed existed. Someone who was a match in so many ways and all the time fascinating and challenging as well. This message is one for those who might happen on this writing. To those of you struggling with grief I can report the earlier message I received was true. I am now in an amazing place. I have been granted a literal “new life”. In a new location, a new state and with a new extended family. These are things that I never saw coming - no, each element presented itself in it’s own time - in its own way. Separately each was an amazing and unexpected development. Together they paint an incredible picture. At the core of this new life are new relationships. They just have presented themselves in a way that has been surprising. As the past has begun to take its place in the background - my physical anchor in this world has changed. I have had to leave my home of 34 years. That home was a part of the old life. I had received a message during my grief that leaving the home I knew might be in my future. At first the realization that I would not stay shocked me - yet now seems like a natural element of the new life. This transition is exactly what the next chapter is about and the new location is a part of that new life. The long arc of grief has seen past relationships wane. After all - the specter of grief makes many uncomfortable. The dynamics of a couples relationship with others is dramatically altered when only one participant remains. More losses in a sea of loss that has spanned years. Yet as the new life emerges new relationships also have emerged in the most unexpected areas. The new life has brought with it both physical and emotional changes. A new state, a new home, a new church and most importantly - new relationships within all of them. One of the biggest realities of the new life is a simple yet profound one: Peace. The new location is peaceful - the new home full of peace. And the new relationships? Tempered with an acceptance and confidence that is surreal in its own way. The undercurrent of loss and emptiness transformed into a serene and positive new way of life. What is ahead in this new life? No one knows right now. Yet the love of a new relationship that is beyond special in its new and unique way fills everything with an incredible light - that light comes from God’s Spirit. The driving force that surfaced on that September 8th morning and has taken me to blessings that are humbling and poignant in their own way. This love is the foundation of everything. It started with an incredible person. And even in such a short time - this love has blossomed into something that routinely leaves me speechless for its beauty and majesty. It is Ephesians 3:20 in action: Now to him who by his power within us is able to do far more than we ever dare to ask or imagine—to him be glory in the Church through Jesus Christ for ever and ever, amen! As the future now unfolds before us - this new love - the foundation of this new life - will take my incredible wife and I to a place only God knows. It is “the other side”. A place I could never have comprehended until the right time came. Now is that time. Trust in your heart that if you are now living in the worst of grief - there is a day coming. A day in which you too will get to “the other side”. It may not feel like it - but know that it will happen. Trust in the One who will take you there. And let Him.

An open letter to those who have been following this journey, Dear Ones who have shared in this journey… I want to share with you something amazing that has happened to me recently. Time and space and this crazy year have separated us even more than before but not to worry - even though we had not been able to keep up with each other - the time is now right to share this incredible miracle that has happened. Our busy-ness does separate us and being in the state of grief I was formerly in also separated us for many reasons. But now is the time to rejoice. On November 29, 2020 at 2 pm at the Hanover Tavern in Hanover, Virginia I married Joan - an incredible person that God brought into my life. The full story can be found in the November 3, 2020 post “The sufferings of the present…” As the journey takes a new and unexpected turn - I am in abject awe of what I always knew God would do. And even though I could point to events and activities that I initiated - I know deep in my heart it was God’s mighty hand that made today possible. As in childbirth - the anguish of the birth process - the suffering, the pain - the longing for relief - has now diminished as the threshold to a new life has been reached. Leaving that reality of grief where each day was devoid of what made life rich and full (beyond those obvious deficiencies of isolation) - the reality of existing in emptiness and purposeless - yet now with a new element - the part that makes everything new - that astounding blessing of having someone to share each moment with. Someone to be the reason for life. Someone to make the future worth caring about. In this day of launching a new life - through a new marriage - I wanted simplicity. I wanted to give my new beautiful companion something she never quite had in her life - someone to give her what she never expected. Someone to make a “big deal” as I tell her - about her. And those desires were fulfilled. It was a special day for both of us. It was a special day for those few who could attend and share the moment. Surreal - for sure. Awkward - yes but in a new positive way. It was a whirlwind of a day. There were so many who care so deeply contributing to all that took place to make it extremely special. God’s hand in every detail - the day He always knew was coming. The day that my unexplainable grief - became what I always knew it would become - strength. Let me share with you a song that my extraordinary companion shared with me. A song she would sing. You can play the song here ——> “Feels like home” This day then is about so many things - above all of them is that God has now made a way where I could never have seen one - yet I knew would appear in time. The way is now ahead - the fulfillment of faith - the creation of a new love out of the ashes. And yes - grief is still present but now with a new perspective. The perspective of where that loss - that insurmountable loss of its day - is now not the focus of every day. The future that I knew was always coming has arrived - and with it, a new life. What will that new life be? There’s no way to know yet - but now there is a companion to share that life - whatever it will be. And the most important aspect is that the foundation of our new life - for both of us - is built upon the memories of those we cherish - those who brought us to this place. God knowing - in His infinite wisdom - that we would be the ones to share this new journey. Facing Grief then - now becomes something new as well. We will always have our losses with us - yet those losses now give us strength. All the strength we lost when our lives ended has now been restored to us in a way we could have never seen - yet is now what joins us. This part of our journey now begins. Thank you for being a part of what brought us to this place. Your prayers, love and concern always a part of us as we go forward.

Romans 8:18-23 has been at the forefront of this grief journey. The apostle Paul painting the picture in this scripture - as many other scriptures do - that we are to suffer in this broken world. But along with the suffering will come an unimaginable life beyond any of the pain that we have suffered here. And in these fifteen months of my journey - I have experienced emotional suffering beyond anything I could have ever conceived of having. All the while with no one to really share that burden - nor would I have wanted to inflict that weight of suffering on anyone else. Yet knowing as I have prayed from the beginning - that the grief I was experiencing - in all of its fury - would be turned into strength. I would not know how or could even dream of how that would be - but I knew only one thing - that it would be changed. As I write this article I am in abject awe for what God in his endless and infinite mercy has reached down to me to provide. On September 8, 2020 - just another day in grief - He planted a seed. Looking back at the apparent “randomness” of the events of the morning - knowing by now that His plan was being executed in the midst of what we see as the ordinary and mundane. The idea of finding another sufferer - another one on their journey in the midst of a superficial and hedonistic world - seeking the same things I was seeking. A person with God at their core who wanted just one simple thing - to love again. Knowing full well - that the fulfillment of that desire to love again - is just not possible in our own strength. Yet it is possible to find parts of it - but those parts that do not really satisfy us in our hearts nor do they represent a foundation on which to build a life. Finding this person then - a person not afraid to be open - was exhilarating. A person not afraid to share themselves. As the conversations began - I was not afraid to do that either. Through these writings - as I faced my grief journey, the writings have been a regular outlet for the deepest of emotions and feelings that could be unleashed. Days unfolding into weeks of discovery. Telling our stories to each other. Learning about one another’s life. And not only their lives - but the lives of the ones that they had shared all of their heart and soul and their deepest thoughts. The pictures emerging - pictures of love - pictures of sacrifice and of the endless love that one can only lavish on their soulmate. Through the weeks ahead from the September day - meeting, eating and sharing so many more experiences, texts and conversations to “test” this fledgling relationship. To test its strength - to rest in the foundation of that strength. A strength that only two who had given everything could understand and comprehend - and most importantly - know where that strength came from. So it was that in the testing, the discovery, the adventures - there came a realization - we are looking at someone who is very special indeed. Someone who could only be recognized by another who also inhabited that special reality. It is not for everyone. Actually not for very many. But it became extraordinarily clear - this was a person that the other could have never comprehended existed. Faith told us this could be despite our loneliness and emptiness. We lived each day knowing God was in charge. And so on that regular, normal, mundane day in the state of grief - September 8, 2020 - God decided in His infinite wisdom that it was time for them to meet. And so they did. And on that day - God’s work of fulfilling the prayers we had both been praying had been completed. Our work then would be sharing the love He has given us - taking all that we are - as well as the best of those days we mourn to relive and the memories of those we cherish - and blending all of that into a new and beautiful relationship. Where His love will flow in a new way - where we will become new people - and that love will take us to a foretaste of that glory mentioned in Roman 8:18 - in this life. “Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later.” That incredible future glory - a glory we cannot even comprehend from where we sit today. The very idea that we could experience even a portion of that glory in this life - through this new relationship is stunning beyond words. It is unexpected - unanticipated and beyond anything that could be comprehended. What lies ahead then is an amazing part in the journey of Facing Grief - the threshold - the doorway to what God always knew was there - but for us - the discovery of this joyful yet surreal world is just ahead to be experienced. Praising God each day for what He has done.