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The paradox of explaining the state of grief has been a constant. The suffering is real but bringing anyone into that suffering quite distasteful. Yet within that awful place the constant need for comfort. Having had the relationship of a lifetime broken by death - the emptiness and continual aching for relief is tiring and exhausting. I have experienced in a sense - a reflection of the salvation that Jesus has brought to all who will accept Him. The freedom from the death sentence that awaits all humans. The assurance that His victory is our victory. Volume 7 is the story of my salvation from the state of grief. From the disarming of the forces of darkness that had been my life all of these past months. As I close this volume, the words of Paul to the Colossians state this wondrous time perfectly: 11 May you be strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for all endurance and patience, with joy 12 giving thanks to the Father, who has enabled you to share in the saints’ inheritance in the light.13 He has rescued us from the domain of darkness and transferred us into the kingdom of the Son He loves. 14 We have redemption, the forgiveness of sins, in Him. Colossians 1: 11-14 (HCSB)

Written Friday, November 15, 2019 / Day 95 / Evening A very unusual thing happened to me today - something that has not happened for a long time. I had a sick day. I had a lunch scheduled but the previous evening I began feeling off. Sneezing and coughing a bit. It didn’t seem like a cold - possibly it was a sinus thing - who knows. All I knew was that when I woke up - I had to cancel the lunch. It had been a big week. This week the moment I was dreading was the dental appointment I had for the six month checkup and cleaning. It was something we did together - in recent years, since she could not go out on her own, we scheduled them together. That was normal. This week I had to go alone. That was not normal. So I was anticipating it with apprehension. I’m not sure exactly what it was - I think just preparing for meeting with people who had known what happened but I had not directly had contact with - until now. I had bought treats for the office staff. She loved to bring things to the staff at all the doctors we visited and I could do nothing less. I even put a special gift together for the dentist. He is a wonderful man in so many ways - and a great dentist as well. So after that high point - the emotions of the week ran high. The next day I had a lunch with former co-workers and then afterwards the 5th session of the coping with the loss of a spouse support group. Then on to my son’s for dinner. So there was a lot going on - for me. At the support group I felt a little off. I thought it was stress. At the dentist appointment I had felt the same way - I chalked it up to stress. Well, it was this cold-ish thing coming on. And Thursday night it hit. Sleep was a mild struggle. Waking up confirmed that I was off enough to not go and called to cancel the lunch. It wasn’t severe. It just was there - enough to take me out for a while. And then it got me thinking. I am alone and sick. One of the new realities. I prayed and slept on and off throughout the day. It seemed to get a bit better as the day went on. But in the background the though process was going on. I think grief was attempting a new approach. It wasn’t enough to have the emotional minefield laid out in front of me - the one I have to regularly navigate so I don’t accidentally step on a trigger and hurt myself. This new approach was a bit of fear for the future. Hey, wait a minute - don’t touch that “future”. Remember, I don’t want the future at the moment - so stay away! But the thoughts rolled on through out the day. These were not intense thoughts at least - but they were just there. Now, I have a new leak to patch. I will not fret about a future I have no clue about. I will not get upset in advance for situations I dream up that may never happen. That’s what I am trying to stop. I want to stop re-living past negative events that no longer need to be replayed over and over. Seems like I have a pair of bookends now. So be aware of the trap of re-living the past. And be aware that making up future scenarios that have not happened and getting upset about them is just as bad. Something to be aware of. And something I know God will give me the strength to navigate. Who knew having a sick day would be so much work.

Written Tuesday, June 23, 2020 / Day 316 / Evening In mid May a watershed moment occurred when I was moved to begin going through my wife’s clothes (Volume 8 - Essay #13 “Lessons of Completeness”). As has been the case during most of this journey - the mood becomes an “out of body” experience. My entire life being a surreal series of episodes that at times I can scarcely process. In the beginning - dealing with the clothes was a bit matter-of-fact. My plan to only take care of several items at a time was the only way I could see taking any action. And after the first trip to the donation center was completed and I continued on with the exercise - the tell-tale signs of grief emerged. After all, my connection to every “thing” that had to do with our life together has possessed a grip on me which has been difficult to assess - or free myself from. It is not a complete breakdown - but as is the case with me - elements line up and their weight comes crashing down - no matter how I try to dismiss them. I did the laundry - so these clothes and I have had a relationship. I washed them, I folded them - I hung them up. We spent a lot of time together. And their owner? Well - when they were on her - they signified what everything that I have written in past essays meant to me - if not more. So when I pick up a garment - I do not try to make an emotional moment out of the moment - I try to briskly walk by the scene and try to complete the task. But their owner - she is in each item - each design - each thread. Because when I look at each one I see her. I don’t mean to - and as much as I try to look away - those moments are especially challenging. My composed side attempts to get my attention. Yes - I know she is gone. I know I have to be on my own. I know. I know. But the power of the clothes is a bit too much for me at times. Not all the time. Often I can just step through what I have to step through and everything is fine. Today though - I had a glimpse of the problem. It just seems wrong. Disrespectful. The closest things to a person are their clothes. They are extensions of our personality - women for sure in a greater way than men. So to be dismantling someone’s life - as it seems to strike me - is just that much more distasteful. When it was someone who is still everything to you - how can it not be? I do understand why people have a difficult time doing this. There is a factor I’m sure as to how emotional the person is as a person, how close they were to the owner of the clothes and what the depth of their relationship to them represented. As has been the case with me - my extraordinary relationship with the most amazing person I could have ever had the privilege of being with - just makes this task ever so difficult. And then reality and it’s friends showing up. Reminding me in no uncertain terms that what I am seeing is the end of what I loved most in this world. And not taking a break from smashing my face into the irony as often as they can. Often times I just hold each article of clothing for a moment - and drink in what the item represents. You see I hugged her in each outfit. There is nothing she ever wore that I had not embraced her in. It is those realizations that just keep the remaining fragments of the life I had with her alive - until the reality that I am forced to live in - that reality - takes the moment and makes it come crashing down upon me. But I do know those moments must come. They must come. They have to. This is the proverbial “other shoe”. It is the caboose of the train. Along with all the other elements of death that have surfaced over these ten months - as each secondary component of the life we shared presents itself to me to be reckoned with - and mourned - then buried - the clothes are the gatekeepers of the future. It is apparent to me that with their passing - their burial will then prepare me for whatever is ahead. In the present - at times feeling a bit - dare I say - together - stable. Then at other times - like during these moments of resolution - acting like that multiple car NASCAR crash that takes out the immediate area in an intense explosion of machines and fuel. I have only just begun - I know I have so much more to go - but I am on my way. It is a transition in a way. And when I think about it - she is escorting me to this new place. The place that I really do not care about entering as of yet. But a place I will end up in. Escorted by the endless memories that each piece of clothing brings. My sweetie - in a way - taking me there. One delightful, precious and touching part of her at a time.

Written Tuesday, JuLY 7, 2020 / Day 330 / Mid-Day There are always struggles in our lives. You almost don’t notice them until they become too much to handle. That was in my pre-grief days. The day that my world ended - a new life began for me. One based on - at its core - struggle. Contention was what I had for breakfast. My pattern of life forever altered. The earthly anchors I held on to - now removed. The meaning of all that I was - now faded into the background. The ability to cope was the biggest struggle. In the beginning there just was no ability. To do anything. To care about anything. Anything at all. When the struggle changed I do not remember - and that observation is coming from the highly structured analyst. The struggle changed or rather took on a different flavor at some point. All of this struggle before the change had been awful in the worst way. Now, from the vantage point of today - it is all somewhat of a blur. The essays written during those days being the only remnant of the awfulness that were my days. If I were coaching someone on this situation, my advice would be that there is no advice. For you see - because this being an emotional struggle at its core - there is really nothing you can do to make it stop. My only advice would be prayer. Because prayer is what I turned to. I prayed. Prayed while I was witnessing what was before me - the most awful scenario I could witness. The scenario of me being without the one who was everything and having to somehow make sense of that. I never did - nor have I been able to make sense of it to this day. Like that storm front that is coming through the area - packing strong winds and hail and rain - your preparation options are few. Go to the basement. Stay inside somewhere safe. And the best advice - the only advice that you can really offer is this: Hold on. Just hold on through the storm. Despite what you see through the window - despite the sheets of rain, the intense and sustained winds - the ominous clouds - and all that you hear pounding upon your dwelling - just hold on. The experience is daunting. The implications of the moment quite scary. But in the end an interesting thing happens: The storm ends. The clouds dissipate. The sun comes out. And so do you. In this eleventh month of my journey - I look back to see many storms. Terrible storms. Awful moments. Impossible moments. Yet now as I look out I do see something interesting. Strength. It came in an interesting way - not because I asked for strength - although my prayer from the second week has been that God would turn all of the worst of grief - take that awfulness and turn it into strength so I could survive - no, this change came as the result of a declaration. I had done this previously. Early on I gave grief a personality. I talked to it directly to put it in its place. I do not know if it actually ever did anything - but it made me feel good! Recently I was realizing I was letting myself react to situations. Then the moment struck me and I came to a conclusion. I am done with this. I am not giving myself permission to get knocked out all of the time. Certainly sadness will appear - it will be a part of the future in whatever form that will take. But I do not have to accept sadness whenever it decides to come my way. Sure, if some comes and I have to endure it - I will. But otherwise - I am done with this. No situation, no person will be allowed to reach me. They can try - and with as much strength that I - with God’s help - can muster - those attempts will be rejected. And guess what happened? There is now a peace surrounding me that is interesting. It just is. And it is wonderful. I make this declaration quite often now. Part of my new plan to get out of the house every Monday, Wednesday and Friday and be somewhere at 7:30 am just to get out there. That has been a good exercise. These changes seem to have made a difference. A course change. I am still far from capable - but I am decidedly less incapable than I have been. The lessons from the struggle then, are endurance and tenacity. Hold on and do not let go - and do not let yourself be attacked - and do not accept what those attacks attempt to inflict upon you. These lessons have made all the difference for me. The continued deliverance that I always knew was coming but never knew how it would arrive. Until now.

Written Monday July 20, 2020 / Day 343 / Morning This Volume 8 is not the end of my journey - it is but a waypoint along the road of this new strange surreal place that is now my life. And yet - it is but another loss. The end of the season of mourning for what has been lost. In the cosmic scheme of things - it is by far the smallest of small things when put into the perspective of God’s plan. A plan that we are a part of. A plan made certain of success because of the One who gave of Himself to guarantee for us new lives we cannot even comprehend. This time then - has been a time of reflection and healing. Because the human spirit was not meant to die. Our relationships not meant to be broken. In that brokenness - the painful revelations of why we needed a Savior - and what He has done for us - are all too evident. As I now step into the mythical future that I have dreaded for so long - that journey will be new. The essays a reflection of the past life that will soon be in the rear-view mirror of the journey. At the end of the ninth month, I began a separate set of writings that I called, “Observations on the Essays”. This branch will be more of a blog type of posting. Occasional postings as the situations of the new life emerge. The seven existing postings also have powerful moments that have been as difficult for me as some of the essays have been. If you have the opportunity to read the post “July 12, 2020 - Remnants of the Precious” you’ll see how powerful these writing can be. As I grappled with a minor health setback this past week - nothing major - it was a fitting time of facing yet more physical reminders of this difficult place. Yet in that affliction developing a resolve fitting with this time of completeness that is ahead. I declared that I am tired of the struggle and will not accept the onslaught of awful that has been the way of life I have been living. Perhaps this is a sign of the proverbial “moving on” element I hold in so much semantic disdain. Perhaps it is the coming one year - whatever it is - I am embracing the unknown. While knowing God does know the way. Sadness will always be a companion to everyone in grief - yet now I see than in the completeness of this time will come something new. Something unexpected. Sadness. Hope. Despair. Joy. Anger. Happiness. Resolve. Words cannot express the fullness of what has taken place these past eleven months - these words touch on just the edges of the journey. As I reflect on where I am today - reflecting on all that has taken place, now pausing before the fork in the road appears, I am humbled and in awe that I am even here. And no doubt will remain that way as I experience and see whatever God has prepared for me unfolding in the days and weeks and months ahead. Amen.

In this twelfth month of completeness then - it is a fitting moment to end this part of the journey with the eighth volume of essays. In God’s realm, the number 8 has an amazing significance. In the Bible - many events of major significance occurred on - as the Bible puts it - “The Eighth Day”. Here are but a few: Jesus presents Himself to the Father as the “Perfect Sacrifice” fulfilling the reality of the Wave Sheaf Offering on the Sunday of His resurrection. This profound moment occurring on - “the morrow after the Sabbath” as the King James explains it - the “eighth” day so to speak. The Eighth day - as it is called - that day after the seven day Feast of Tabernacles is celebrated - picturing a time beyond the millennium when God’s plan for man has been fulfilled and eternity begins. Pentecost - when the Church began was the day after seven weeks of seven days were completed - the 50th day in that cycle being the “eighth” day - the day after the last of the seven weeks had been completed. Even the symbol for eternity itself is an eight on its side. So to finish this enterprise with an eight brings with it a significance that is comforting. And the life that is ahead - although not clear at the moment - now begins with a new perspective. Even though I have no information - which is always distressing to my analytical mind - I do have something far greater. And this is not only what I will embrace - it is what we all should hold on to. To take us from the awfulness that is often right in front of us - and replace it with something wonderful - something not of this world - a little foretaste of the new reality we will all enjoy in Christ one day. Something that is available to you - if you will only ask and receive it: 6Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think on these things.… Philippians 4:6-8 [Berean Study Bible]

This is Volume 6 of Essays on Grief. I have learned that the limits of life are not really limits - but a spectrum of states - a range. There seems to be no end to the awfulness I have experienced. When it seems that a new threshold has been reached - it is not long before there is a new more intense encounter that surpasses what seemed to be the previous limit. This is stunning to me and continues as these essays keep being a part of my life. Likewise, and I already had an inkling of this - joy also has no threshold either. One day we will see that ultimate joy. Reporting from behind enemy lines so to speak, my nature of expressing my thoughts in writing has been a mixture of therapy, tribute to my sweetie and occasional rantings about the absurdity of it all. Yet this Volume 6 - far surpasses anything written previously. There have been many other writings during this journey that I found to be profound and moving at the deepest levels of my being. To be taken beyond those benchmarks dazzles me and leaves me breathless. Where can this go from here? If there is a reactor-core of grief - we are certainly getting close to it. I have barely been able to write many of the essays in this Volume - yet I have been compelled to do the writing. Often, as is my habit, I re-read what has been written out loud. For many of these essays ahead - I can barely read them out loud without an accompanying emotional breakdown. So in the currency of the world of grief, I may be reaching some point where an exchange is taking place. The past may be yielding to the future - that nebulous future I neither desire nor embrace. But the tectonic plates of grief are seemingly moving. Moving on to the future? Possibly. In my view of the moment - at least away from the past. Essentially these may be the same thing. But for now my perspective dictates the latter view. My praise continually goes to anyone who is reading this volume. It appears to be some new level of the most profound, touching and deep parts of the journey that I could have ever imagined. I will never stop thanking you for your continued courage and strength in joining me on this journey.

The state of grief is not something you choose to be in. You become a participant because of your loss. You have no choice. Entering the world of grief is disorienting, frustrating and numbing. Think of it for a moment - your pattern of life is now gone. The connection to the most important person in your life (spouse) or family member is gone. They will no longer be with you. In this sense - grief takes you to a place where life stops. Dealing with death - something that we are all so unprepared and ill-equipped to handle, takes this cessation of life beyond the person we have lost. Death stops everything. Not only for you - but for those who will respond - friends, family, acquaintances. Their life pauses as well - no matter what is going on in their worlds at that moment. The regular excuses of being busy cannot stand in the face of death. My choices of personal commitments may be driven by many factors - but when death appears - all bets are off. Nothing is more important than responding. For the immediate victims of death - their stopped life becomes a surreal place - an empty place. All the events leading up to the moment take you to the loss. Then, at this most disarming, disabling and confusing time - we are thrust into the mechanics of death. The protocols we must deal with, the decisions that have to be made - everyone scrambling for what is “correct” in the midst of not having a clue what to do. Once the first weeks ebb…and the network of relationships processes the news at varying levels..the world picks up its bags - and moves on. After all, the pattern of life must continue. There is an appropriate and socially correct amount to time to respond - for everyone else. But we are still here. In the wreckage of our lives. Our patterns and cycles destroyed. Everything we had been doing previously - now strangely silent. Everyone moves on. But us. And there with us - is grief. So confused and disoriented, we are left to navigate some type of life. The only thing for sure at this point - is that we have no idea about anything we are now suppose to do..

Written January 12 to February 12, 2020 Directory from the printed version. Go to the Essays. Introduction 1. One More... 2. Future Daze 3. Precious 4. Birth Pains 5. The Meeting 6. The Point 7. Dear Stephen 8. Dear Joann 9. Tears of Change 10. Memo to my Life 11. Business Trip 12. How Can I? 13. Legacy 14. The Marker 15. Sadness and Love 16. Looking Back 17. One Person 18. One More Goodbye 19. “Moving On” 20. 6 21. Reflections #6 Epilog

Written November 13 to December 12, 2019 Directory from the printed version. Go to the Essays. Introduction 1. Not as Awful 2. Sick Day 3. Settled 4. Neutrality 5. Futures Past 6. “Why do you love me?” 7. Direction 8. The Bubble 9. Grief vs Gratitude 10. The Way Out? 11. Perceptions 12. Dichotomy 13. Morning is Broken 14. Grief Fatigue 15. Just Looking 16. Echos 17. Number One 18. Oblivious 19. Reflections #4 Epilog