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Written Monday, December 16, 2019 / Day 126 / Middle of the Night Of all the themes that continue to play in the background in the state of grief is not being connected to anything. There is a detachment that is constant. I know in my situation most of that is due to the fact I was totally connected to my dear sweetie - in everything. No I mean in everything. With that connection lost - there is nothing emotionally or physically to anchor me to the present. The past - in varying degrees - is still quite toxic. In reviewing the materials I am going through to identify relevant items I ran into our wedding cards received from our friends. Yes we still had them after 46 years. That’s just the way we were and I still am. I took a look at two of the cards and that was all it took. I had to put them back and find the box of Puffs. Now that is not as constant an occurrence as it used to be - so on some bigger scale perhaps there is progress. But the fact that it still happens is disarming and mildly depressing. Those moments drag up the past. The past is appealing of course since those were our times. But the snapping back to the present is where the whiplash occurs and the temporary damage is done. Our routines - whether exciting or tedious do define us. The cycles of our lives give us a direction - even if within that cycle there are unpleasantries and issues. At least there is something. Here - there are just endless empty places where something used to be - but is no longer there. Obligations - at least to me - become mini-doses of a stable and predictable reality. There is a mission. A reason - an objective. That provides order and focus - most often to the exclusion of the harsh reality that is usually my world. The obligation ends. And then we’re back. To what exactly? Well, to nothing. It is like a dream state where you are dealing with a situation that cannot be dealt with so you go around and around - never quite getting to the end of the matter. Which brings us to this moment. At least there is an essay to write. Other than that there are certainly things. Things to do. Things to take care of. But they are just mini-obligation. They do not add up to a life. There’s the issue. Right now life is circling the field. Due to the storms the tower can not clear us for landing. So we circle until there is an opening to land. Except in this twilight zone - there is no clearing. No landing is possible. So we circle. And circle. And circle. No wonder occasionally this conflict just erupts in tears. Tears are the emotional safety valve. At least it is something. But it does not resolve the main issue - nor can it. There is only temporary relief. For me my prayer is continually that God will turn my grief - all that energy that is everything God isn’t - and make it the foundation for strength and power based on the love I have for my dear sweetheart. I am far enough down the road where I do see tempering in certain areas. Less intensity since the end of October. I can scrape up enough evidence to help me see that the worst times seem to be in the past. But there are degrees of worst. There is still quite a supply of it right now. What can change this? I keep hearing - and we all have heard it - time will tell. And to some degree that is true. We are built with the capacity to heal. And there is some of that going on. But for the present - the problem of having no emotional place to go is a major problem. It’s like having no other restaurant available than the one that makes you sick. And you are compelled to continually eat there. You know for sure what is going to happen - yet you must go. So these essays and the family history project are at least two areas of a small focus. They don’t qualify as a life as yet - but they are something positive in a world of extreme negativity. So that is something. I am considering doing something unprecedented - at least for me - in the next few weeks. I have had this idea from the very beginning that everything going forward must be new. Not knowing completely what that meant I have done what I can to try things that are new. The reality is that there are just too many things - most of my life really - that I can no longer do. At all. For any reason. Those things without the part that completed me are just not doable nor will they ever be without her. My prayers are for that newness - in whatever form that will take. So to take a step I am looking into church congregations to visit in an attempt to begin. As the analyst - there are many criteria involved, a lot of emotion attached and all the elements that can tie me into a mental knot if I let them. I have a step. I have a plan to implement it. In the weeks ahead I will be preparing for that moment. Everything will not change in an instant - I know that. But a small change in direction can have a dramatic effect in most situations. Just the idea of thinking this way is an entirely new approach. So in that way this could be the delineation between the past and the future. That future that I have so resisted and been sickened by. Perhaps because it symbolically leaves my sweetie behind. But it has to because she is all right. And I am not. So in the department of new things - there appears to be something heading my way. It will not be dramatic in one way - everything will still flow as it dysfunctionally flows for the present. But the change - the approach - the idea of stepping out into something foreign - something with no past - this thing might actually be the thing. We will see. It will lead somewhere. It will lead to the future. And as it unfolds it will perhaps fill in that void that I must live with each day. It will lead to someplace. Someplace to be.

Written Monday, December 16, 2019 / Day 126 / Late Evening From the time we are born - sadness is with us. In those early days which we can no longer remember sadness was a part of life. Babies unfortunately are not always the happy jolly little munchkins we would like them to be. No they are whiney, selfish by nature and when the situation strikes which seems to be a lot of the time - sad. They cry. They fuss. That’s just being a baby we would say. As we grow our sadness takes on different forms. Certainly there are the times we are just downright sad and it shows. Other times we have sadness in us but the evidence of that sadness is not visible to those outside. This becomes part of life. In the state of grief - you unfortunately graduate to an entirely new world of sadness. Much like the state we were first in as a baby, now the current situation can make us uncontrollably sad. We cry. We fuss. At one level not much has really changed. Only now we can use more sophisticated words to describe our sadness. In my quest to reign in a certain amount of what seems to be unnecessary sadness - that is over situations that are over and done with and that have no other value than to create sadness - I have reached what I hope is a turning point. Now I understand that there is some kind of resolution going on at an emotional level. That place is unreachable by any conventional methods. And some of that unsettledness is to be expected because of the loss that is so comprehensive and touches virtually every aspect of my life. In my case I consider my loss to be at a greater level than what I would consider normal. I only say this because in my life - my wife was my life. I mean my entire life. Everything in my life was invested in her. I had no secondary interests that did not include her. Our love was so deep and the bond so strong for me that I could have lived no other way. Nor would I have ever wanted to. This created a titanic disruption in my life. So systemically affected was my life that I really see no future at the present time. I just have no idea how to live without her. Those strong emotional ties led to everything in my life and now that they are broken I am quite uninterested in any future at all. I can not turn around without seeing, remembering or noticing something that attached me to her. Thankfully the intensity of those losses has substantially diminished in the last 6 weeks or so. That is welcome. But the sadness for the loss now comes in so many ways - based on so many triggering events. I have reached the point where I now address the sadness when it comes. I ask it if it is truly necessary to be this sad. I am on high alert for situations where I just go back and long for, pine for, lament over what we did. While that brings me back to her for a moment - the return to the present is just too harsh. So I ask myself - why do I allow this? Is this doing some good in conjunction with whatever this unknowable process is working out in me? I do acknowledge that if there is indeed to be sadness in the loss and if that sadness needs to be experienced on a somewhat regular bases - fine. If that is part of the journey I do not want to stop that. I do want to declare, however, that I will no longer tolerate sadness just for the sake of sadness. I want my memories to be good ones. I want to be strong enough to know that I know what reality has declared. I want to stand up to the sadness that is there that tries to abduct me and transform its power into one of strength. Previous essays have focused on our relationship so I will not revisit those illustrations. But that love that we had and that I still possess is not going to be used against me to just make me sad. I have been quite obedient up to the present time in taking this sadness - these episodes that keep appearing - and putting up with those emotions. But now I am declaring that sadness is now relegated to the sidelines. I won’t just fold up like a paper bag and collapse when it shows up. The sadness I will respect is genuine sadness based on my situation. I will no longer give dead-end sadness a place at my table. That is over. When it tries to appear - it will be batted away like that stray fly you swat at when it tries to land on your dinner plate. Sadness does have its place in grief - I know. I will not stop the sadness that is necessary. My prayer now is that God grants me the resolve to make my new declarations work. That I will no longer stray off into lines of thinking that take me to a dead-end of purely sadness. Sadness that does not advance the way forward. I fight with the way forward because that points to the future I find distasteful without her by my side. But I realize that a future will be coming - and will arrive at some point when I am ready for it. Perhaps taking this stand is just one step in that direction. A step into the unknown that awaits me. When it comes I will know - because I will be ready. And when it comes - I will leave the unnecessary sadness I have been experiencing by the side of the road where it so deservedly needs to go.

It is interesting that in writing these past 48 essays there has not been a schedule, purpose or plan. I cannot write these on demand - rather the concepts hit me and then I have to write them down. They happen at the most unpredictable times. I find comfort in writing them and as I am finding re-reading them. The premise being to see if I’ve spelled things correctly, etc. But in reality I get to experience those moments again and perhaps in some small way - distance myself from that time in which I wrote them. There are no analytics involved. Rather I marvel at the timing of certain things and the reassuring wink I envision God giving me that yes, I am here and here’s a little analytical reminder that I know has significance to you - so that you can be comforted in some small way. Thank you for your interest in reading what has been written here. The best gift you can give me is to tell me about your experience in reading these essays. Which ones touched you the most and why? Perhaps it is a writers curiosity. In reality I think it is my plea to continue our conversation about my life in the world of grief. For those of us - it is not a bother. It is a comfort. Thank you for yours. I am reminded of Jesus words to His disciples right before the end… “I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 (NLT)

Written Sunday, November 17, 2019 / Day 97 / Midnight Revelations about the journey of grief may come at any time. This evening I thought it was because I had too much caffeinated tea before bed. It turns out that tonight was to be another one of those defining moments. It started as I was assessing my relationship with my wife. I have been recently focused on the beginnings. That exercise has brought me a bit of comfort. I was afraid though, that because those early times of our love were so invigorating because of all that they had meant to us - my return to the present might give me with a “hangover”. Only because the end of our relationship was certainly not as pleasant as the start. As I was looking back at so many aspects of our recent experiences - even going back to when we were forced by corporate re-location to come to Richmond, I was thinking about so many different situations. I had to stop myself at one point with the same declaration I had made about re-living the final weeks that I had already re-lived too much. Stop. Stop doing that. For one thing I was slipping into speculation about this situation or that - or my attitude about something or her attitude about something. I realized - what was I doing? I was speculating - I did not know. And so what was the point? Whatever I thought should have been and wasn’t and whatever she was facing and didn’t really reveal to me were all things I could not know. So because of that - I started to get upset. Upset about nothing. Because in reality I had nothing but speculation to go on. I went through everything I was exploring and then declared - after this night - those speculations are over. Done. Finished. Let’s move on to our real bonafide grief that is right in front of us. The topics that are real. I do not have any regrets about the past. Or guilt. Sure there were disappointment that I inflicted on her and I know she inflicted on me. Our relationship was like everyone’s relationship. There were issues, contentions and the lot. What I tried to always tell her was that the love I had for her was in no way connected to the day to day issues of our flesh. I know she didn’t see that - she seemed to think that they were more directly connected. That if I loved her so much - there wouldn’t be those irritations and issues. Well in one sense perhaps. But in our sense - as far as I was concerned - they did not connect. My love transcended the static of the moment. The clutter of our selfish flesh that is always fighting our spirits. What I realized then is that some of the peace I have mildly felt in a few areas recently - has been the result of me becoming settled in the reality of that element. I have, from the beginning, used my “Grief logic routine” as I have called it. I go through it to remind myself that she was prepared in some way for what happened. She is at peace now. God made the decision. She is awaiting the resurrection. She was ok with all of that. This - at one level - seems to settle me in one way. Of course I’m still out of my mind in love with her. And off the charts with the absurdity of me being alone here by myself and feeling quite inadequate to go forward. There’s that. But there have also been other aspects that have become a bit less in turmoil and a bit more settled. Take God’s decision and it’s ramifications. The fact that He wants me here. Obviously because I am here. I am now a single person. A tough one to wrap my head around - but one that is a reality. And that there is something He has in store for me to do. While I struggle with that one - I know it is true at some level. These things are becoming a little more settled. So I see the pattern emerging. The trauma, the tears and sessions with grief - are taking me to a more settled place through the reviews and emotional trips I have been making. Actually the trip to Buffalo - that was a tremendous exercise in settling a lot of things. I’m not sure what they all are - but I know they are there. And they are becoming settled. I see some of this in the decrease in intensity of the grief in the past few weeks. When I walk into the house now - it does not bite like it used to. I just come in, announce to the empty house, “I’m home!!…” like we used to do and then go about the tasks at hand. There is now - no longer the struggle that used to be a part of coming home. So becoming settled is now the biggest indicator of progress in my surreal life. It’s nothing that can be measured - only observed. So I’ll be watching. I’m very grateful that I now have a bigger clue to what is happening. And that I am ever closer to the destination God has in store for me.