Search Results

Written Saturday, September 21, 2019 / Day 40 / Afternoon Today is the 40th day since my world changed forever. Time, for the present is non-existent in one sense. Had a call from someone today about the monthly Bible study - I had to tell them that for the present those would no longer happen. I tried to explain a bit but realized that this is the way it is going to be going forward. It made me look at my present condition. I find it fascinating that there is a perception that this is merely an interruption. Well it is in one sense but I used the example of the Bahamas and hurricane Dorian. The people fled their homes as they could - the main islands - then the storm came though. Everything was wiped out. When they returned there was really nothing to return to. Everything that had been there had been wiped out. How do you “move on” from that? In the physical sense there will have to be rebuilding - of everything. How will the people operate? Everything they knew has been eliminated. To go forward they will have to build everything new and learn new ways of doing….just about everything. My grief story is somewhat like that. My wife was at the heart of my world. Our marriage was a bit strange in that I wanted to be with her all the time so that’s how we lived. I didn’t have any interests that would take me away from her. We were close. Then I became the care giver which added additional responsibilities (that I gladly took on). Then we had plans for the retirement that was to begin August 1, 2019. When the storm came through - all of that was destroyed. The plans, my activities and my sweetie pie all gone in one stroke. As I assess my current situation I’d have to say that I am operating on a certain level as “normal”. That’s what I am calling my “administrative” life. But other than that - I am numb. I am totally beyond apathetic because in apathy you have some ability to advance but do not choose to do it. In my world there is not a choice between activity and inactivity - there simply is no emotional energy to do anything. It’s not even an empty room - it is a vacuum. If someone were to ask me to “move on” - I’d have to ask them, “To what exactly?”. My wife was at the center of everything - so “moving on” would mean moving on without her. I know in a practical sense that some type of future will emerge. But for now - I am paralyzed and weak. Any direction “forward” I could take would have one problem - she would not be a part of it. A logic problem for sure. But more importantly an emotional problem of the highest magnitude. I cry at times lately about how this just doesn’t make sense to me. For me to be here alone with everything around me except her is just too painful to bear. But I am bearing up to a degree. So perhaps that is some imperceptible movement. “Life” needs a few basic elements to work - right now I am missing the wheels, steering and a destination. Society seems to say “move on”, “get going”, “stay active”. And right now my answer is “What for?”. Our culture uses knowledge for every problem and in the case of grief - knowledge is not an answer - nor is it a comfort. In fact, it is an irritation, an offensive approach because when a significant relationship has been destroyed - you either need to fix the old one or start a new one. Neither of those paths are options for me. So I schedule lunches with friends - I find I can’t handle too many - that will be an indicator to me when I can handle more - that something is happening. But my dear sweetie, my companion, my everything - what do I do with that? It just hurts in a way I never experienced hurt before. And that’s part of the problem. People outside the grief sphere just cannot appreciate that nor do I want them to be able to. So I will perhaps begin writing about what we need here in the grief world. People need to be educated so they know. Because we do not know how to handle death situations, losses that people around us are experiencing and grief (which is just a word meaning an extreme loss to the outsiders) - we struggle to relate. On the outside - things have just broken in a big way. What do we do about that? Fix things. It’s all well and good when it’s your surroundings - but your emotional state is another thing. A big thing. A gigantic thing. A topic I will have to begin to address. Perhaps that is something that will be become something. We’ll see.

As I write the number three hundred and five - I have an out of body experience. It has been 305 days since my life ended. Ended on that Monday morning when my prayers for relief for my dear Joann were answered. The end of one suffering - the beginning of another. And in that suffering has been a detachment from everything I have known. A rejection of reality so to speak - as I declared to the future that it no longer existed. That I was through because if my sweetie was not a part of it - I would have nothing to do with any future. Days which I cannot imagine living - but did. Looking back and wondering how I actually did anything credible during that time. A disconnection from this world of a magnitude that few experience. A total detachment from human activities. A total detachment from my very life since the life and patterns and cycles that I knew ceased to exist without the one who was their reason for being. The absurdity of the idea that I could actually be here. Be here alone. No longer married. And with nowhere to send the love I lavished on her each day. Being taken to a new level of what alone meant. And with that reality - the sad fact that there was really no one to share that aloneness with. The idea that the world went on - without you. Like a little child forgotten at the rest area while the family traveled on without them. As I survey my state on this day I find I have quite a collection of items I have gathered during the trip. Emotions of every description and intensity - most with names - many that have no name or ways of identifying them. An understanding of the endlessness of everything. Except in my case, the endlessness is attached to the person with the destroyed life. This is the ten month mark. Words that no longer convey any meaning. Time as we rarely reflect upon it - has no real measurement except the increments we declare. Time does not “feel” like anything. One week, one month - one year - ten months - what does any of that feel like? Without someone to share the experience - very little. Entering now the eleventh month - on the way to the pivotal twelfth month - a future that is as foggy as ever. Yet with a past that displays a precision that is stunning. People, events - timings, revelations that fall into an orderly pattern. All visible from the vantage point of the rear window. And on this three hundred and fifth day - June 12, 2020 - God in His exquisite style has granted me a special moment that will always be associated with this day. A moment that will forever elevate June 12th beyond anything I could have ever anticipated. There’s a website called LinkedIn - it is used for people in business to post their resumes and discuss career and business topics. A lot of my business contacts are still there - about 137 of them. A few knew what happened but most do not. It has bothered me that they did not know and I wondered how to reach them without individually contacting them which I would not want to do. Actually I had been pondering this since January. I tried to use the system to figure out a way to communicate with my contacts as a group. As I searched I discovered the system provides no way to send one message as a mass mailing. Then I noticed that anyone could write a business article so I thought - maybe I could write one about my situation. I sat down - and I don’t know why this always surprises me - I popped out an article! It’s just like when the essays come - poof - they just come. The article is perfect in that it starts with a business orientation and then introduces my situation. In the end it directs the reader to the “Essays on Grief” web site as a reference. I posted the article 7 am on June12th and by the end of the day 28 users had read it. And that was just the first day. Click here to go to the article. To me this was a type of birth - I was able to send out a unique message to all of those I know in the business world about my situation and launch awareness of the Essays web site. Being on this day - it will always be special for that reason. Joann being so much a part of the essays makes it a launching of her presence to a new audience. God knows how to build something new and today will always have that positive spin to it! I don’t know why I am always amazed at these things! But I am. I was also taken on this day by a dear friend - a fellow grief sufferer and we had a wonderful day together - as wonderful as this life can provide at the current time. Now we enter the eleventh month of the journey. August will be looming on the horizon soon. I only know that God will help me with the next milestones just has He has with this one. And one thing I can be sure of - I will be surprised at what happens as I always am at how He takes care of me.

There is no emotion that I have not experienced in this journey. It is an erratic trip at best. In recent days and months - seemingly taking a turn for a less intense and awful place. Yet with the gaping hole where my former life stood ever before me. The hope that I always had has begun to manifest itself in different ways. From titanic and overwhelmingly positive events to descents into sadness and longing for relief in this life. And then - when my strength seems to wane - I glance away - distracted by the clamor of my emotions longing to be reactivated in some way. There are those moments when even though my thoughts of some kind of progress have been validated - I slide back into that awful place. And the resounding message that strikes me is, “How Can This Be?”. I line up the issues. The absurdity of me being alone. The helplessness I feel without my confidant and companion. The lack of a destination for the love I lavished on the one who I could not offer enough. It all comes crashing down. My granddaughter Libby and I watch videos of individuals with incredible patience and skill - who construct elaborate structures built with dominos. Those who take on this task are quite amazing and the structures they build over time are equally stunning. And as stunning as what they build is - the fulfillment of what they have done is only realized in the orderly destruction of the structures they have lovingly created. You can find these folks on You Tube. They are worth taking a look at because their feats are truly amazing. And when my world collapses when it does - it is just like that. An orderly and systematic destruction of what is before me. Watching the model of the life I led slowly and surely disappear before me. Leaving me amidst the wreckage of what it was. I can see this recently as I have been slowly sorting out Joann’s things as well as other items that are around the house. Items - for which there is no future because the reason they were acquired no longer exists. Early on - I faced the prospects of just carrying on with what was somehow. Even though I did not possess the skill necessary to carry out what would be necessary to make the objective happen. Not only lacking the skill - but then realizing the purpose now would be for what exactly? Me? Just me? The absurdity of that thought drove my decision that all of those ancillary things would at some point have to be disposed of. They would have to go. There would be no reason for them to stay. So as the season of what I call “completeness” (Volume 8 - Essay #13 “Lessons of Completeness”) continues after just two weeks - I am finding that I am having mini-funerals for the elements of my life that seem to be unresolved in some way. How our emotions work is beyond all of us - so thinking that we have “dealt” with something seems to be difficult to determine. I know that in the larger sense - I have started that arc though. A mood has changed. The “sense” is different now. I know that is a direct result of starting the process on May 17th. Don’t ask me how I know - I just do. So this path - as always - continues to be difficult. And perhaps this question that I keep posing will always be with me in this life. “How Can This Be?”. It is an emotional question for sure - because on the one level - I know exactly how this can be. But in my heart - the heart that was blessed with such an incredible gift - struggles to stay with me - as the analytical part of me marches slowly towards the horizon of this new life ahead. For one reason - my heart does not have anything to hold on to right now. It is as lost as I am. The brain very keenly announcing to us, “Ok now, let’s move on please…”. While I am trying to follow that admonition most of the time. But at times like today - just falling down into moments that just surround me. Moments where there are glimpse of what was. Flashes of the dreams. Of the hopes that were. Fully knowing that reality dictates that it is time to get back on the bus. The driver needs to get the bus going again. It may be true. And once at some new destination and reality - all of this will perhaps melt into the background as it seems as it must. But for now - I will tightly hold on to the the One who has me in His mighty grip and just hold on. Hold on as He has been with me this entire trip. As He comforts me with the answer to, “How Can This Be?”. The answer? Because it is His will for me. And in a crazy way - there is a bit of comfort in that.

Written Tuesday, June 2, 2020 / Day 295 / Evening In part 1 (Volume 8 - Essay #6 “Lessons About Me - Part 1”) I was sorting out the fact that I now need to figure out just what I am as I face this new life that is looming on the horizon. I routinely feel lost because I only operated as a part of a team. Thinking of myself now - in any form - just leaves me a bit speechless and bewildered. So as I try to sort out me - I find the exercise a bit frustrating since I do not know how to proceed. And this coming from the over-active analyst! So it was, when a friend mentioned that she was using the services of a dating web site to see what the world of potential people for her might look like - it got me thinking. No, not because I thought I might go shopping. The thought struck me that in order to be a candidate on these sites - you really have to define yourself - answer questions and think about what you would like to present. So as I continued to ponder the situation, I decided to enroll in two sites. One that uses a bit more data and is a bit more selective, the other a bit more open and serving a larger audience. Within a week then - I had enrolled in both sites. The fees I considered the tuition necessary to earn the “Defining Myself” degree. I made a six month commitment to both. This was in mid-April. It was quite an exercise to answer the questions. Some to me were more superficial - others more deep. The first reaction I had to being in this new world was that the majority of users say one thing but for whatever the reason - do not really work too hard to define themselves. I on the other hand - ran into the space limitations the sites place on text entries. This seemed odd as expressing ourselves would seem to be a good tool in order to facilitate the mission of learning about other people. Both sites rely on narratives that you write as well as simple questions and often just multiple choice answers. I answered everything I could - often re-purposing some of their boilerplate categories to fit my objectives. The way this seemed to work was that for about three weeks there was a lot of activity. Most likely because you set criteria for the attributes you are looking for in a person - and the system examines the other users to see how they fit your choices with theirs. This goes on for a while and then - in the fourth week - for me - at least - the activity simmered down. During this time - I read many profiles. It was also an education as to what others thought was worth sharing about themselves. The entire enterprise was like sitting in a hotel lobby. In a hotel lobby you see a little bit of everything go by. This was no different - except it was all online. And also during this introductory period - I wrote my profiles over several times. Re-stating and repurposing what I had previously written. And in each cycle - I became more acquainted with the person I was really interested in meeting. That would be me. I started to find out about myself. When challenged about what I was saying about myself and how others saw me I found out an interesting thing. There are not many candidates out there who seem to be all that deep. At one level that is not a shock. So as of now, the project has a bit of a comical nature to it. If anything - I have had more contact with scammers - as they call them - people who use fake profiles - I guess to entangle people to expose their finances or other personal information. Fortunately for me - I see though this quite clearly. And it has become somewhat entertaining. I also routinely tell God I do not have any faith in these mechanisms really connecting me to anyone. My profiles are replete with references to God and my faith and my background. On the one site - that one with the more constant stream of candidates - I ended up changing my profile. Actually it started out with me just writing a parody profile expressing my frustration with what I saw in those looking for a candidate. Several people I showed it to suggested that I make it my actual profile. So I did. And on the other site with more restrictions - used portions of it as I could. I consider it a bit of a “scarecrow”. If someone can read it and actually reach out to me - well - I consider them worth a contact - if for nothing else than to have a chat with. Just so you know what I have written - I am including the “parody” profile here: (Please note - I have been in this world for several weeks for the first time - it has been very awkward but interesting - sort of like being in a Hotel lobby. I have read countless profiles by now and due to my analytical nature and sense of humor - I have written my profile as a parody. It is not meant to be offensive. Consider it part quarantine frustration, part of a reflection of the absurdity of all of this and a desire to be truthful. If you are offended at all, just block me as you accept my apologies. If you are brave enough to go on, bless you for your spunk.) Hi, I know you were expecting a picture of Matt Damon here - but all you have is me. I’m looking for a girl who will value me more than her dog. Don’t get me wrong - pets are fine but I’m really not a dog person and yet I am caring and affectionate and a guy. Who knew? My goal is to have a relationship - with you - activities are not the first priority - so if you are set on going to the Great Wall of China, zip lining over Niagara Falls (yes they do have that), hang gliding off the mountains near Rio or the latest cool thing everyone is doing, I’m really not your match. As corny and hokey as this sounds - I’m looking to love someone. To make them the most important person in my life. I’ve tasted that type of relationship so I know of what I speak. I’m praying that I can find someone who is not only interested in the honest, loyal and funny guy you all seem to seek - but someone who will change their outlook to love me with their whole heart. All of it. Sorry fido - take it outside. When our love is based on us caring for each other without reservation - all the other things, the activities, interests and all that will take care of themselves. They will be there - in their rightful place…second. Even fido. We’ll share what pleases both of us - it will not be like a union contract - where two sides figure out how to co-exist - but a true blending of personalities - blending not because they have to - but because they want to. That’s it. And oh by the way - your profile picture is not what this is all based on - but if your picture looks like a DMV photo or is somber, sad or just plain scary, then I’m not going to be all that interested. How could I be? You don’t seem to be! You’ll have to display that sparkle - that inner you - the part that makes you lovable - and yes - it is in the eye of the beholder - but there has to be that part of you that is that lovable you in your photos before I’ll be captivated. We’ll have to see that little spark - in each other - for this to start. Oh right, you’ll have to have a picture or two to even get in the park. I’m conservative, deeply focused on God (sorry but He will come first - but that should be how you feel as well for this to work out) and not a typical guy. No trucks, no sports - just a devotion to what will make a life worth living - that would be you - if you feel the same way. Let’s see where this will go! I don’t mind being challenged...how about you? We can at least say hello, have a few laughs as we chat and if nothing else at least make a new friend - if I haven’t scared you to death - that is. I’m actually quite harmless once you get past the parody of it all. After all, there are some of us who are looking for more than a traveling companion (nothing wrong with that if that’s all you are after) - we are looking for something more - we just want to love and be loved. When it clicks - it won’t be all that complicated. Not as complicated as this first part seems to be. The journey continues as I get to know that person I always thought I knew - until now.

Everything can change in a moment. In our lives we can look back and see those moments that forever changed us. Prior to the moment life was one way and after the moment life would never be the same. For those of us in grief - it was a moment that changed our reality. Our day to day lives now unfolding with what made them what they were - now missing that precious element that was part of our life. I have continually witnessed powerful changes in my journey. Unmistakable - stunning and overwhelming (at times) ways the journey has changed. And since March 1st - those changes have been amazing. Those changes took my reality and transformed it. Transformed it to be less awful. Less painful. Less of what it was. Yet without that part of my foundation that has been lost - still empty and difficult in so many ways. Despite what has been lost - I regularly reflect on the blessings I have received - and the other blessings in my life. Trying to ignore the proverbial “elephant in the room” though - I am faced with the continual reminder that I am in transition to something else. That new life in whatever form it will take. And as I attempt to rely on the One who strengthens me during this time - I regularly stumble - I trip. And what is getting in my way is - me. I go along as I can. Trying to stay in faith. Using the powerful examples of what I have been seeing as something to hold on to - and in doing that taking me through each day. But then there are these moments - since we are human they are inevitable. For as much as I attempt to reach out to the strength that is beyond me - I reach a point where I just break down. It’s just too much. The harsh reality emerges from the cover of my attempts at faith and confronted by that reality - I fail. Crash. And burn. It’s really quite a mess when it occurs. After a period of recovery - I get back into the program and on to the next day. Until the next failure. Just yesterday I received a powerful reminder that I need to focus and hold on. And to enable me to do that more effectively - I was blessed with a stunning - unexpected - unanticipated example of how God is working in this journey with me. Sunday was a day of physical accomplishments that surprised me. We would change out certain things in the house in the spring and fall. Swap out the bath mats, shower curtain, a valance over the kitchen window. I would clean certain things that usually get missed - ceiling fan blades, tops of furniture that are out of sight. I even used the steam cleaner to clean all of the floors - Kitchen, bathroom and back hall as well as washing the things I was taking down. This generated it’s own energy. I accomplished all of the tasks and was quite amazed at the results. It was unexpected to complete all of that work so quickly. But in the evening my celebration ended. My aloneness took over. It could not be stopped. A major session in feeling sorry for myself. That breakdown I so dreaded happened. In a big way. I ended the day with a sense of defeat. Playing all of the positive things I knew through my mind but to no avail. I would have none of it. The awfulness bled through and spoiled whatever it touched. So as the next day emerged - I had a resolve to attack a few things I needed to focus on. I thought it would help me get going and just not have another breakdown. But then it happened. A friend called. A couple that was very close to us as a couple. They were going to visit friends we had known for years - an hour or so north who live in a beautiful community surrounding a large lake. I was invited to go - they would pick me up. The catch - you need to be ready in 30 minutes. I paused for a moment and thought - I need to do this. So I scrambled to prepare. I threw some items together - got myself ready and dressed - grabbed something I could give the hosts and my friends as a thank you and a few snack items and off I went. This is a gated community of 3,000 homes surrounding a massive man-made lake. I had been to the hosts home in the past with my wife but not to the lake. Arriving around 1:30 we spent the day on a pontoon boat traversing the lake - having our lunch there and exploring the coves and being entertained by the sight of all of the lakeside homes. And something else happened. Something I never expected. Something that has not been a part of my life at this level for as long as I can remember in recent history. I had fun. Driving back at the end of the day - my friends returned me to my house around 8. My head spinning. What had just happened here? What had happened to me was that I received several powerful messages. Messages I know I needed that would strengthen me. One I knew from my recent past - Things can change in a moment. One moment I was scraping myself out of the wreckage of my previous day - the next I am in a boat on a beautiful lake with people I know in an amazing, uplifting and stunning environment. I knew this lesson - but now I really saw. New realities are everywhere. Here’s a look at just one. I am hearing God say, “See? - I can take you somewhere in a moment - don’t worry about when it is coming - just know that it is coming.” And then there was fun. A non-grief world - outside of where I am currently sitting. Where there was an opportunity to just enjoy what was around me. As I sit here where I was just 24 hours previously - I marvel at the blessing of the day that just took place. As is usual with us humans - we do know more than we can acknowledge or want to really embrace at times. We do know better than we act. Better than we feel. In our hearts we know - but in our feelings we do not accept. I received another great gift to add to the amazing gifts I have been receiving. Something that will strengthen me in a big way - because it was a big example. Talk about reality television - I was thrust into just one example of the future. Maybe not the one I will end up in - but a powerful example of the fact that a new life awaits. And when God is your travel agent - you will get there. He knows the schedule. You do not need to. Just know that it will be coming. It will be coming at the exact time it needs to come. And it will come. In a moment…

Written Friday April 16, 2020 / Day 256 / Morning As I reflect on this journey as I am apt to do quite regularly, I am particularly focused on my current state of being ill yet again. Not that I am ill all of the time, but at present I have just quarantined myself at home until I deal with this latest episode. It is not the current virus as far as I can tell, it’s symptoms are not that extreme in any one area but they have been enough to stop my current pattern - as limited as it is. But then there is the reality that I am not able to function. Then the doubts - well, what is this? A new condition? Something that is going to keep me restricted? And on it goes. I have had to slap myself in a sense to stop doing that. To just fall back on what I fall back upon in these situations - prayer, tea and sleep. There have been titanic events taking place since my life changed on March 1st. Various essays cover these events - check out Volume 7 beginning with essay #9 to follow those incredible events. Then, just one week ago (Volume 8 - Essay #8 “Lessons from Day 245”) more dramatic revelations occurred. The effects of not only the daily struggle with grief over the past months but also these dramatic changes, have most likely been in the background of physical stress. Having an actual physical reaction to the change of my heart when I told the future that I would no longer fight it (Volume 7 - Essay #12 “Cease Fire”) was quite unexpected. Yet that episode made it clear to me that my stress has a direct effect on my health. I am quite grateful that I have been as together as I have been. In this time of illness, the lessons of faith are ever present. Faith is something, that when the situation in which you are having the faith actually comes to pass - that moment unleashes glorious emotions of celebration for what has taken place. Then, as we are as humans, life continues and additional situations where faith is yet again required come into focus. These situations, as I have come to see, help us continually focus on the fact that we are not the ones running things here - there is One who is. In living through the seasons of faith in our lives - we become stronger in the fact that as we look backwards, there are lessons in all of the past times our faith has been realized. For me, being alone during a time that sickness that has made me inoperable - this time has brought to my attention the fact that I am actually somewhat stronger right now than I had been. I have been ill three times during this journey. In November when I experienced my first illness that kept me in bed for a few days, I was not only upset that I was ill - but that I had no one with me as I suffered (Volume 4 - Essay #2 “Sick Day”). It was one of those cold hard realities of the journey that grief and its friend have no trouble unleashing on a person. Then in December, when I had a more intense sinus/cold type of illness that kept me out for a week - my sadness of being alone was less prominent. The isolation and all of the associated restrictions being more of an issue than my aloneness (not a word I’m sure). I missed seeing my family for that time and fussed a bit more that I was on my own for three meals a day. I stayed in yet another week at the end of December to insure I was totally over the condition. That time was less intense from the emotional perspective but difficult in being alone without actual contact with my family (because we did not want to share any potential illnesses among us). This time - the illness was sort of matter-of-fact. Being on my own even less of a conscious issue. My new found smartphone and the ability to text also a comfort in this time of isolation. That realization took me a bit by surprise. I was so focused on the illness, the steps I was taking and getting through it and then it struck me - “do you remember that you are alone in this?” Well actually I had not really noticed all that much - but now even though my dear sweet comforter is not with me here - I have another that is seeing me through. And that has made all of the difference. Another lesson of strength that I am being taught.

Written Thursday April 30, 2020 / Day 262 / Middle of the Night Of all the difficult essays I have written in this journey, I feel that this is perhaps one of the most difficult. Maybe that is why I am up in the middle of the night. I never know when these messages will arrive. This may be the time for this message. I see a slow progression of unraveling taking place. My analytical side quite efficiently figuring the structure of all of this early on - while my heart hopelessly lost without it’s precious reason for being. As I have been taught in so many ways in this transitory place on the way to a new life - these lessons would have to be at the very core of my being. A place we all have but never really reveal to anyone else - either because we don’t recognize what is in us - or don’t know how to express what is in our very soul. In my experience - whether it is a blessing or curse, the destruction of my former life has broken the door to that unapproachable place. Broken the restrictions that we consciously or unconsciously have been under. Broken those restrictions to tell me how my life experience with my beautiful sweetheart and the love God gave us - can possibly help me face the fact I am now emotionally alone without her incredible presence in my life. I have found a reference in several essays, quite a small one really, but every time I read it I stop and have an emotional breakdown. Let’s see if I can say it - even in text. I will be referencing Joann and the following thought comes out that she was the “jewel of my life”. This perhaps has so much meaning to me and contains so much power that I find myself becoming disarmed and incapacitated for the immediate moment. After all - what could be a jewel in our life? Actors receive a “Lifetime Achievement Award” for their decades of work. A prestigious award with so much honor and acclaim. But like all human glory - the next week fading into the daily cycles of life to be replaced with the current reality that the actor has done their best work. In a sense - it is a bit of a eulogy in advance. This will not make sense to you if you are not “older” since with mileage comes reflection on where those miles have taken a person. The point in your life where you can look back and see your life in a sweeping vista of what has occurred. At least that is how it is for me. When I look back at mine - I see one thing. And only one thing. I see a jewel. It sparkled in a way things rarely do. It had a radiance that was beyond the normal light we can see. That light - that radiance - touched so many - it was a conduit for something God so wants us to have. So much so He sent His son to die for us so we could have it. The spirit that reached out to everyone it could touch. And when it touched them - it touched them in a way that was unexpected. It was surprising to many. Few were ready to receive it. It was expressed in countless ways. Manifesting itself as cards, letters - unexpected gifts, heartfelt concern and unending compassion as well as constant prayers. Touching all that would come into its path - into the glow of its radiance. I was blessed beyond my comprehension - to live amidst such radiance. It was so much a part of her that being immersed in it with her seemed to be nothing special - in a sense. It just was. But for the others that it touched - it was something beyond special. Beyond the ordinary. Beyond the expected. As I reflect on the testimony to that life I was honored to share - the lessons of that life are perhaps without end. I had an idea that I would list them - but that is my analytical side. This is beyond all of that because it is beyond human thinking. And I know that living with that jewel, that radiance for 47 years - cannot help but change a person. I know it has changed me. Because now all of that radiance - the radiance of the jewel of my life that very radiance has become a part of me. It has blended into my spirit. I know this because I run into it all of the time. In the way I react to something - in the way I start thinking one way and am directed to another. Those lessons then have reached the height of what a lesson should be. More than words. More than ideas. More than any human construct can hope to achieve. Because it is not human. It was not human. It was God’s love - directed through the most extraordinary person I could have ever had the privilege of knowing let alone being able to share that amazing life with. The lessons of God - given to me each day by the most beautiful person I could have been blessed to be with. His love manifested by one of His servants. My Joann. The jewel of my life.

Volume 8’s essay number 13 - “Lessons of Completeness” marks the 160th essay in the Essays on Grief series. To say I am overwhelmed by this is beyond words. Actually most of this experience has been that way. But the words that have emerged - have found their way to 160 separate little articles that chronicle my life. It is an exercise that I never planned - nor did I ever set out to write these essays. No, they came on their own schedule. I would always have to stop what I was doing to let the words flow out. Flow out to neatly formed and richly told little vignettes that provide a window into the awful life that was my life. As of this writing - there are 8 volumes. Each volume roughly covering a month. Each volume with around 20 essays generally. For me they have been “someone” to talk to. They have revealed the deepest moments of this awful state I have been in. Part diary, part journal, part insight - part therapy, the essays have covered a vast spectrum of topics. The volumes of the essays have followed this outline (not one that was planned - but the one that emerged along the way): Volume 1 - “The First Thirty Days” - written from August 23 to September 12, 2019 I marvel at these essays. Perhaps because my life was overwhelmed by everything that had taken place - writing was something that grounded me. Although every essay has a piece of my soul attached to it - these essays were especially poignant: 8. The Last Hours - something I thought I would never be able to write 9. Coming Home - one of the most difficult times to live through 10. Heartfelt - my cry to God and my bold moment with Him 18. A Love Story - Our story 21. The Perfect Storm - How everything came together to be terrible Volume 2 - “One Day at a Time” - written September 16, 2019 to October 12, 2019 13. The Banquet - What grief is like 17. Alone - written in the middle of the night when I had the revelation of a lifetime about what I was experiencing Volume 3 - “Transitions” - written October 13, 2019 to November 10, 2019 9. Dawn - The moment that one of the many true miracles occurred in the journey 20. The Decision - One of the most touching moments of my past life revealed something in the moment that was stunning to me Volume 4 - “Signposts” - written November 13, 2019 to December 12, 2019 6. Why do you love me? - My dearest Joann’s frequent question to me - and my answer Volume 5 - “Waypoints” - written December 13, 2019 to January 12, 2020 This volume covered the time up to January 12, 2020. The day my new life began in an unmistakeable way. 18. Now - reflections on the moments we live in and my expression of gratitude for the essays 19. Newness - the story of the beginning of my new life Volume 6 - “Parting” - written January 12, 2020 to February 12, 2020 One of the most emotional volumes as you will see from the titles. 1. One More - an essay I did not want to write about my absolute last moment with the one I love 5. The Meeting - an amazing look at the emotions in my life from a perspective you would never expect 7. Dear Stephen - A letter from Joann - once written it took weeks to be able to read it out loud 8. Dear Joann - My letter to Joann - this one was also as powerful as number 7 10. Memo to my Life - how I had to say goodbye to a part of my life I never expected 18. One More Goodbye - A final remnant of our incredible love that God granted me to experience Volume 7 - “Bridges” - written February 16, 2020 to March 15, 2020 This volume chronicles the incredible changes God made to my life and the defeat of the worst grief had to offer. Each essay is powerful but for the sake of this list - here are the most powerful of the powerful: 3. First Love - The story of my love for Joann - a love that never failed for 47 years! 9. The Answer - the astounding moment God sent an amazing person to meet me in my grief 11. One Week - the amazing transition that took place in only one week 12. Cease Fire - my surrender to the future Volume 8 - “Lessons” - written March 22, 2020 to ?????? 2020 This volume is in progress - it is being written as the lessons continue to emerge. They are all powerful. These are the highlights: 3. Lessons of March, 2020 - probably the essay that sums up all that had been taking place up to that time 8. Lessons from Day 245 - A normal day in which I received truly astounding revelations 9. Lessons from My Last Day in Grief - the story of February 29, 2020 - the day before everything changed 11. Lessons from Joann - one of the most difficult essays I have written. It took a week before I could read it out loud. 12. Lessons from Caregiving - what it was like to serve someone you love with your whole heart 13. Lessons of Completeness - the astounding day in which I completed the worst part of grieving and let go of things I did not even know I was holding on to In December, 2019 - when I was ill for two weeks - it was during that time when I established the essaysongried.org web site and put all the essays out to be available. On this day of the 160th essay - I continue to pray that these messages will be a blessing to someone looking for comfort and strength in their affliction just as writing them has been a comfort and a blessing to me.

Observations on the Essays - Thoughts on the Journey #1 As the ninth month ends, the absurdity of all of this strikes me with a greater strength than I have experienced previously. Surreal is what I have for breakfast. Activities distract me from the obvious - and in this ninth month, I am taking stock of the past days to see what has emerged. Because as I have noticed, I see where I am going - only by looking in the rear-view mirror. It started - on that first day, April 13th - with an unexpected series of emotional experiences - culminating in a cinematic experience being led to a song that encapsulated my very life of the previous 8 months. Introducing me to an orchestral accompaniment that captured the somber mood of the grief I have experienced along with the wonder and scope of the idea of some new vista of a life. Coming off the dramatic changes that began on March 1st - the changes that have forever disarmed the worst of what grief had to offer - my emotions took a toll on my body. So much so that I had a complete week of disruption - lack of energy, an array of symptoms that never manifested themselves as anything specific. Just powerful enough to stop me in my tracks as I shut down to overcome the effects. Learning that in my weakness - as Paul the Apostle knew so well (2 Corinthians 12:9-10) I found that I was stronger than I thought. Dealing with the disruption quite matter-of-factly without any real sadness about being alone and sick or being separated from my family for a time. Recovering at last to reemerge to begin an interesting experiment - triggered by the comments of a friend. I had been contemplating the fact that I really have not explored myself at all. And if there is to be a new life, there needs to be an idea of what that new person is like. As this discussion was rolling around in my mind - the trigger led me to consider setting up an online dating profile. Not for the purpose of actually searching for a person that way - but to stimulate me to explore how I would fill in the questionnaires and in that way - begin to identify just what in the world I am. So on April 18th I did just that. I applied to two sites and began the training exercises. I consider it the fee for taking the class in self-discovery. As the weeks progressed I completely re-wrote my ideas several times. Each one a good exercise in refining just what I was seeing in me. At the end of three weeks - having a rather well-developed idea of how I look as a “me” instead of a “we”. I discovered in this month that grief has now emerged in a new way. It is a dramatic change from what it was - not the deeply traumatic, sadness and anguish of the past months. No - that power grief possessed has been disarmed. Now, however we seem to be in a new state. One of reflection and sadness. It appears to be a part of the healing that is taking place. As my analytical side continues to know all of the structure and framework quite well, my emotional side seems to be crawling out of the pit it has resided in these past months. That side in which the brokenness is still in the background, the longing for what was still there but less intense - and the broken heart peeking out once in a while to see where we are at the moment. And then the tears. Yes, the many, many tears. Often I am not sure why they are coming. Other times I know exactly. All I know is that they have been a part of the journey. They have changed over time - just as these new tears now herald a new state. One I will only clearly see once that state is well past the current day. I realized that the home I now live in - the home shared for over 30 years - is the culmination of the life that has now past. Just the idea floated into my head that a new life may mean leaving this place - although with no real desire or reason to do that at the moment. Just this thought was a bit disarming at first - but somewhat logical in another. What comes next will let me know the course I will be taking. Then the Essays on Grief web site had been on my mind. I wanted to include the pictures and small comments that accompany each entry and insert them into their actual blog post. A formidable task with over 170 entries to change. But when attempted - the work went much more smoothly than expected. Other changes I had wanted to accomplish also working out rather quickly. I completed an introductory video on the Essays - started in February but never really working out. All of this coming together quite effortlessly. I established a You Tube Channel for the video to live in as well a link to the newly updated web site. Apparently an accomplishment I was unaware would be accomplished in this ninth month. I go along fine and then in a moment will stop dead in my tracks with the thought, “What in the world is all of this?!”. Depending on the moment - perhaps with an associated emotional breakdown. My final observation - for now - is that my life has been quite analogous to being in a coma. Being on life-support - not being able to function operational but the life still being maintained by artificial means. Yes, that sums it up. Activities and obligations keeping the body active while the spirit struggles to gain the ability to function. I also know that I will have to have someone with me. That also was a revelation of this month. I am a professional partner - I am not the type that will just pretend they are happy while being alone. No, that will not do. I finally figured that out this month as well. Something I know that God already knows. Just as I look back and see how He has brought me to this point. I pray for the strength to stay in faith. He has made it clear to me in so many ways that He is with me. We’ll see what the tenth month holds in store.

How can this be the beginning of the 10th month of this reality? I dare not travel back too much for I have tried and the trip is to dangerous for me to take. Perhaps at some future time that will be possible - but not at this moment. I look at the home we built with mixed emotions. It is all for me now and I lament that the idea does not seem all to that appealing to me. It is familiar yes - it is the home we built - yet it is what we built - together. Increasingly I am feeling it will not be in some way suited for me. I do not know when or if that will be a choice I will have to make - all I know is that with my connection to things - I am left with the sad realization that no one would really want most of it. I know our son will not have an interest in much of it. I would encourage him to take some few items of historical family significance. But the remnants of the life I lived that died 9 months past - seems all too trite to me right now. Projects I had wanted to take on, compilation of friends photos, videos and so much more - all seeming now to not matter all that much. For they all take me back to a time in which my life was complete. Flawed as we humans are in so many ways - yet complete with the precious relationship that I had at the very core of my being. All the things we had prepared as gifts - now really meaningless to me. To whom would they now go? Even things we had bought to share with the girls - never really materializing, Our incomplete relationship with them now settled because I no longer care about the deficiencies of the past. They all died on that Monday morning. Those we cared about I will still reach out to. I have the calendar - Hallmark provides cards online which has helped greatly. I will continue this part of our lives as a tribute to you. I know they have been surprised when they receive their special remembrances. In a small way it makes me a tiny bit settled. Not much though - but it’s for you that I will continue until something emerges to tell me otherwise. The emptiness in my life right now is immense. Only tempered by the presence of a wonderful person God brought to me - a presence that has made all the difference in ending the awfulness that was my every day. I cannot bring myself to cook. It seems the idea of planning, purchasing and assembling elements to go through the motions for…me? It seems a bit absurd at the moment - so I have not yet had the focus nor desire to start. Perhaps it reminds me of you and how wonderful you always were taking care of me in that way. I always lifted you up in praise for your abilities. Abilities which I may have some small part of - but no real desire to attempt right now. I have run the ship well - I believe. All the tasks quite distracting as they should be. Necessary but only to fulfill the needs they cry out to address - not for my joy. For even though the infinite emptiness, heaviness, darkness and despair of everyday is now so refreshingly absent - the hollowness and absurdity of me being alone here in this nether-state of being - just too much at times for me to bear without an emotional breakdown. Your clothes. What to do. I do the laundry as needed - change the bed sheets regularly. On the day I looked through your dresser - there you were in every item I had lovingly folded for you each week. These items are still too powerful for me to deal with. I know a day will be coming where I will have to say goodbye to them as well. I am just not ready yet. I know we never talked about what life would be like for either of us alone. Except when you mentioned to me what I had already realized - that you would be in a tremendously difficult place if I was not here - but you were. I do not receive a lot of comfort in being here - but thinking I saved you from that awful life - well it does give me a weird type of relief. Serving you was what my life was about - it seems I continue in that service as you sleep awaiting our Savior. I know - and I’m sure you would agree - that I will need someone with me to go on. I have prayed to God that He knows this is the case. I am just not the type of personality that will forge off on my own for whatever pleases me. All that pleased me was you. Now as a future without you looms - I know He has that problem solved. It is just me surviving until that time of revealing comes - when I will know how that relationship will work. I just know it will come, and it will work because He will be a part of it. So on this first day of the 10th month of the worst 10 months of my life - I cry as I have been doing all these months. My current sessions are so different than in the past. The only thing that has remained constant is that you are the topic of each session. Our unique relationship being so unique - even in that I have few to share the understanding of what we had been given. And how difficult it is to exist in this world without your part of me. My faith is as strong as it ever was - it’s only my patience that is the issue. The assurance that I will be seeing you again propels me forward. We had been praying constantly of the new chapter of our lives that would be coming with my retirement. Little knowing that each of us would be having our own new “chapter”. At times to me a cruel joke because of the pain I have endured. Yet me having that small peace knowing that you are set. Your spirit was so powerful - and it had become so much a part of mine - that even today I struggle with the thought of each moment without your look - your touch. Being tortured without being able to express the affection that was just a normal part of our lives together. Now just an echo amidst the relics of our life that witnessed our love as it flowed between us. All of this reminding me of your spirit - that part of you I always told you I was able to see - the part that God sees - the part He gave me the privilege to connect to. The part that will always be the foundation of the life that has brought me to today. And will be with me each day ahead. Until I see you again - and I will in His glorious Kingdom - love always…..Steve