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Written Tuesday March 3, 2020 / Day 204 / Morning While trying to accomplish something else, as is usual with these writings, an essay appeared and needed to be written. I was contemplating the new element in my life that seems to be disturbing the emptiness and hollowness of my current situation. My observation has been continually that I live in a vacuum as far as a life is concerned. In the midst of the obligations and physical needs that must be met and that drive the activity of this shell of a life - there is just nothing else. It is not apathy per se. I view apathy as a choice. There are options but none of them are chosen. Just choosing one would enable some progress, some movement - some direction. But in my world - there is just nothing. I do not see a choice for me. Readers of these essays will know that paradox I face. Because of that - there just are not any choices to be made - so therefore there is no activity that can invoke a change. Until now. I have been privileged to have received an answer to a prayer that seems to have the potential to actually introduce something into the vacuum. After all of this time. And because of this small change - my world is reacting quite powerfully. It is a stunning new opportunity for me - one I am struggling to not overreact to. Having been in the vacuum for so long - any change is quite the news item. Living in the emptiness that I cannot share with others and even when I have the opportunity to do so - is difficult and awkward because they do not relate to the situation. This life of emptiness then, has been exhausting and relentless. So to see a change in the landscape is stunning. It is disarming. I actually have to hold on to something (mentally) so I don’t start dreaming up implications and outcomes. That’s my over-active analytical perspectives working as they always do. The realization of this moment is also stunning. It changes my entire perspective on my situation. And although I do not see - nor have a clue - as to how this will change - what I am seeing is a dramatic modification to how I have been thinking. I have always imagined that I will somehow receive the energy, will or ability to take a step out of this place. All of the details of course, frustratingly not knowable at the moment. Somehow the day will come that I will arrive at this mythical future I so reject and ignore. All of this scenario has now changed. It is not I who will be able to do anything to go forward on my own strength. No, I will need someone to meet me in my emptiness and help me to take a step. Much like a person with a debilitating injury that prevents them from walking - they will need physical therapy. A program and time to learn the mechanics of walking again. To be able to learn once again how to maneuver - to perform even the basic tasks all of us who can operate take for granted. In my grief world - this seems to be what I will be needing. Emotional therapy. And with that therapy, someone to meet me where I am and help me - help me to learn what I have not been able to do - to grasp or even to acknowledge. I do acknowledge God quite regularly and know that beyond my present state is a future that is beyond our comprehension (See Romans 8:18-23). But here - I have not had anything physical that is of the stature to address how I will escape this emptiness I now experience. Let’s say the new element is a “therapist” of sorts. That would be their role anyway. I have experienced a tiny bit of this with the support groups in which I have participated. There is this powerful connection and relating that is welcome. People who understand. There has been tremendous comfort in those encounters. But what has been missing is the next step - someone to actually enter my world and relate to the situation and - to me. Someone to understand and share the scope and depth of the daily struggle. I pray what I see God doing, this new element He is bringing into my life - will be that new thing - that new relationship - that conversation which needs to take place to begin the actual process of filling the emptiness. It has been disarming to even consider that any of this is possible. Yet there appears to be an opportunity ahead for me to take a step. To open the door of emptiness and welcome a new perspective into the void. To be able to connect - to relate and dare I say - to see God’s love flow through them to me. There is coming an actual moment when the time of emptiness I have been experiencing will be ending. It will end because there will be another who shares this place with me. From that time forward life in this empty awful place will never be the same. Because at that point I will not have to be in this place alone. It will be a surreal moment in a life that for now is nothing but. A new chapter. A different reality. My life will no longer be totally survival - but will then become something else. A rescue mission.

Written Tuesday March 10, 2020 / Day 211 / Early Morning When I first flew by myself in October 2019, on my first non-work trip in decades, I re-discovered an interesting reality. When you fly there’s only so much you can take with you. Airline ticketing has turned into a carnival midway full of choices, obstacles and conditions that are overwhelming in their complexity. Does this go with that? If I choose this option will I have this other outcome? And how much will this combination of choices really cost me? There are a dizzying array of decisions that lead to the final result - that ticket needed to make the flight. Then according to the choices made there is the next reality - what you can actually take with you. Having driven to destinations in the past - taking things on the trip was a no-brainer. Let’s see…hmmmm, well, just take it! There always seemed to be room. Now however, we have advanced to a game of chess. Three dimensional chess at that. You have your carry on, you can even take that small roller bag to the gate and they will put it in a mysterious section of the plane outside the normal “checked-bag” zone. Then of course, there’s that “luggage” of a certain size that can be taken for another fee. On that trip in October I faced this logic game of what can go. What cannot go. And what just is unthinkable. It was a bit of a process to enter this very measured, very controlled place. What clothes can I take? I needed six days of things. I’ll wear one set to, another set from? Is that too much? Well, take fewer slacks but more shirts. But what if something happens? Well, take several “emergency” items just in case there is…a clothing emergency. Snacks for the room? No, those can be purchased. Toiletries? - just take the minimum. And on and on it went. In my current world - where the war with the future has finally been ended there is another reality. The next step I suppose. The step where I leave for the future. What to take with me? What do I leave behind? During the war, leaving anything behind was a non-negotiable barrier. Nothing can be left. It all must go - or I’m not going. And I didn’t. Nor did I want to. Now with the barriers removed - the next logical step is to decide on what I could never even consider previously. To decide on what part of my past I must leave behind. The irony is that some of this decision has already been made. That reality always hidden behind the sadness, the emptiness, the longing for what was lost. The energy of this conflict filling every space available with reasons why the remnants meant more than the reality. The ideas of what was somehow being real enough to manage. They were neither real. Nor could they be managed. I however, in the grip of an irresistible force, lacking the strength to budge the immovable object which was my grief. There have been lessons recently which seem to have prepared me for this moment. The preparations for the sorting out of a life. Actually a confirmation, an acknowledgement of the reality that has occurred. The reality that is now visible as the domain of darkness lifts. The esteem, the worth, the value of my past life being so powerful that I could see nothing else is now something I can address without fear. Because for all that I have “lost” - I do have so much to take with me. My sweetie is a part of my soul. My essence equipped with her very thoughts. The way she looked at life - the way she lived her life. The way God trained us together. The way I saw His love flow through her. The supreme privilege of being able to lift her up in every way possible. To care for her in every way. To be blessed to have a life with a foundation that could never be broken - except by death. Yet, through God’s mercy, and Christ’s sacrifice - a future awaits that is beyond our comprehension (Romans 8:18-23). I’ll be taking that with me. I won’t have any room for the anguish. And while there will always be sadness - always be loss, that sadness will strengthen me someday. I don’t see that as yet - but know that blessing will be coming when I am ready for it. I will have to take a small bag of grief with me as well. Thankfully, while there will be some - there will not be as much as I have dealt with so far. There will be room for memories. They will need to go in a special container so they can stay fresh. I know the ones I have with me - will always be there when I need them. Those are also a part of my very being. As I prepare for departure now - I have everything I need with me. All the essentials of the past life I will need as I board the plane leaving for the future. I am not sure where the flight will take me. But I know the pilot. He has the skill and capacity to deliver me where life will continue. And yes, it is difficult leaving as it always is. My sentimentality and emotion always there to get the best of me. But with the war over - there is a new strength. I know I will need it. I know where it is coming from. While I do not know the destination - I do know a new life awaits. And today I leave to go there.

Written Tuesday March 10, 2020 / Day 211 / Late Evening There is a strange silence when a war ends. The constant sounds of conflict and destruction are ended. The energy that had been dedicated to death and destruction now depleted. That engine stopped for good. Leaving everything that had been in its way damaged in some manner. Where the physical destruction ended, the emotional destruction continued. The constant pressure of war - impending damage, potential loss that had been part of every day - still present in a strange echo of what was. In attempting to create a description of the vacuum of an existence I have faced these last 210 days - words are inadequate as they always have been. Sympathy from those outside while cordial and compassionate - is lacking the real understanding I crave - yet I know is impossible for those who have not tasted such constant angst to provide. The contention ever present each day. Each moment. Hollowness - a gripping sensation of unresolved mental disruption. I now understand those who are trapped in this place. While thankfully not turning to any means to end the contentions, those who face severe depression, thoughts of suicide - turning to drugs or alcohol to deaden the pain endure this same place of darkness that I have been privileged to leave. My continual cries to God for relief - fully knowing that His answer would come in His time - a daily reminder of how awful this world is at its core and why we need a savior to show us the way. At this point - I am in a continual state of awe. To be released from a contention of such magnitude. Of such power. Of such scope. Released to peer out into the world I left behind - a world now missing all that had made it my world. The entire context of my thinking now struggling with how to process such a liberation. And not only that - but how to regain the skill and composure to do anything. Yet these abilities will return. That effort will take time. The current mode of operating subject to change at some point. For now, the day to day will remain as it has. This shell of the life now containing a new mechanism that will take that life somewhere as it is able. Knowing full well that it will be a process. Just as all of this has been. Only now it will not be a struggle to just survive. Now it will be a question of learning what the new context will be. What are its parts. How will it work. Most importantly, what the new purpose will be. This will be revealed. When it is time. Until then, life will become an enterprise of moving forward one day at a time. That has not changed. What has changed is that the trip will not be under the titanic cloud it was under. Certainly there will be sadness, loss and future emotional breakdowns. That will be expected. Now, however, it will be a learning exercise instead of an exercise of pure survival and coping with the un-copable. The days of conflict that I have experienced have left their mark. Left their damage. Left their scars. These are the result of what was. The aftermath of that intense war. With light streaming into this new place - with the prospect of conversation and a new future ahead - the aftermath will not be easy to overcome. This still unknown future - a challenge on many levels. But just as we are now at a new point in the journey - we now have a dramatically changed perspective. One of a coming hope that will be fulfilled in front of me. One of a faith that has been tested but always knew this day would arrive. And amidst the aftermath of the titanic battle that has ended - that assurance that now we will arrive at that new life. A life which will be blessed by all that had been built upon it - resting upon the foundation of the love that was and still is at its core. A life that will celebrate the love that God has been providing throughout my darkest days. The love that will be the destination I will arrive at.

Written Friday March 13, 2020 / Day 214 / Morning Defining moments in our lives are few. Most represent a dramatic change in our very existence. Some we choose - some we experience without our approval. Those moments, though are significant. I have just experienced one. Looking back at our lives, those moments pop out. Leaving home to go out on our own. That first moment we officially drive a car. Graduations. Marriages. Losing our loved ones. Moving to another city. The moments that forever change us. Cast us into a new role, responsibility or landscape. Changes which then define us in a new way. A way we could never see coming. My defining moment seven months past - forever changing my life. Changing it into something terrible. Something dark. Not only changing everything conceivable, but taking me to a place in which there seemingly, despite all those who would say otherwise, was no escape. Life in that realm a daily exercise in survival. Of coping. Alone in the darkness of this new world - with the visions of the past world echoing within the darkness. It is interesting that when the defining moments come in our lives - we have little knowledge of how they will actually change us. For some of them we can only guess while others land us in unfamiliar territory in which we must operate. My latest defining moment was unexpected - yet not a complete surprise. Continual prayers for relief and transition to something else stretched out over the weeks and months - and in an unexpected moment in time addressed. For me, recognizing the defining moment would be an afterthought - a realization of the titanic that was occurring within the course of normalcy. Faith told me that there would be an answer. Yet it was excruciatingly difficult to end each day without that answer I needed. Day after day. Week after week. Month after month. Actually I do not know how I have survived until this time. No I do know, I was given what I needed to survive. And I have. When that defining moment came - the effects were profound and all-encompassing. The forces I was subject to were powerful - they were intense and unrelenting. While praying for their demise - the reality of their presence being a constant test of that faith I was holding on to. And they have now been vanquished. As Goliath was vanquished with only a stone, the forces that were against me were defeated with something that would seem on the surface not to be a weapon. Brought in by an incredible person who chose to enter the darkness to not only bring their light, but the light of God’s love that they had within them. God’s love defeated the darkness. As it always does. And always will. I have been freed - that freedom quite stunning. Just as the darkness held its powerful grip around me, this new freedom now opens up life to a new reality. One in which I am about to enter. Praising God for the defining moment He knew was always ahead for me. And now - taking me to the destination His perfect will has ordained.

Written by a grieving man to another. The variations in all the aspects of life are innumerable. Variety is everywhere. Variety in people, experiences, tastes - it is endless. Grief also is different for everyone who is taken there. From my grief experience (now in its embryonic 98th day) I can report on what I have encountered with a thought that the report may have a potential to help others. Maybe even you. I look at the world with an analytical eye. That was my profession - a Systems Analyst in the Information Technology field. A complex often indiscernible world of detail that somehow comes together to complete a task. That was my world - trying to define it, understand it, represent it both visually and narratively. Entering into the world of grief then it seemed that if anyone could figure this out - I had a chance. Wrong. It’s emotional - all metrics and analytics are not valid there. But in my journey I have observed many things. Here are some of them. How close were you to the loss? In my case, my loss was my wife. We had a strange marriage - I say that because it seemed that we were weird in several ways. I was still as crazy in love with her as I was when we first met 47 years before. And if that wasn’t enough - I wanted to be with her - even over other “manly” endeavors. I’d say I would be a poster child for an extreme loss. My world was totally built around her. No I said totally. In every way. This only has amplified the loss in a way I can not express in words. So if there were “rings of grief” - I am squarely in the middle of ground zero. No question. Say you had more of a traditional marriage. Of course you love your wife. But you had your interests and world. And you came together for shared times and activities. Depending upon how intense and close yours were - you will feel the loss in a different way than I have felt mine. You have places to go that she was not a part of - those are yours alone. In those places you will find some comfort. The loss and pull will not be that great. No do not think for a moment that you will not be broken up - be a mess at times - or initially all the time, that reality will certainly be the case. But those places, those times you spent without her - are a refuge where you will find a slice of peace amidst the storm. How much did you share? While speaking of your world vs her world - if you were married - the experiences you shared will become difficult to face without her. I have found I can do practically none of the things we did together as a couple - by myself. I have been able to do some of them - but often with someone accompanying me or approaching what we did in a different way. Home will be the biggest battlefield you will have. Because despite the times you did your own thing - when you come home you will face the biggest challenge of your life. Being alone. For me, this was the first time in my life I had been totally alone. There was always somebody there. Now there wasn’t. Let me tell you - that will get better. Initially it was excruciatingly difficult. I actually went home the first night after - and it was a big mistake. If you somehow read this before your first night - believe me - find some family and stay there. Go to a hotel if you have to - do not go home and stay right away. I don’t care how strong you think you are. With grief you have met your match. Coming home for me now does not bite as it used to. You will experience the same change in your own timeframe. There is no rule here and don’t let any well-meaning friends start dictating expectations to you. It will take as long as it takes. Period. How tough are you? Actually the real question here is how tough do you think you are? Don’t fool yourself - we have a little higher expectation of ourselves than we should. And I’ll break it to you gently - that’s pride. So let’s get that out of the way. You aren’t as big a deal as you thought you were - if you thought you were. You couldn’t stop what happened - so deal with it. Give yourself permission to feel something here. If you don’t you won’t hurt anyone but yourself. Believe me I know. So let it out. Go to a mountain top and yell, go to the shop and pound on something. If you have to physically have to get something out - do it. I did not need that kind of outlet - but you might. You don’t have to tell anybody either. But just consider telling someone. You don’t have to tell everyone - just someone. Are you afraid to be emotional? Are you? Don’t be. No one will think less of you - they all know this was a gigantic loss. Give yourself permission to feel badly about what happened. You know it is the braver thing to confront an obstacle and this is the biggest one of your life. So confront it. And you do that by letting the pain out. It is a total myth that keeping pain in is somehow good for you. Don’t believe that lie because that’s what it is. Grief can be like a storm that sweeps over you and carries you away. You are no less of a person because that happens. When you face that you are not less of a person - you are a giant. So be one. Are you angry? Guilty? You may feel angry. Angry at the loss, at God and the doctors, angry at everyone. Well - let that out - but don’t stay there. Chances are they all had nothing to do with what happened but we are used to wanting to have something to blame. The frustration that the loss brings can do this to us. Try to approach this in a different way. Honor the one you lost by not using anger or feeling guilty. You had a bond with that person. And that bond was more powerful than you believe. That bond could withstand anything that happened at the end. Don’t go to that place and stay there. I have been to that place - too many times. But you know what I did - I left that place and honored my dear wife by being stronger than I wanted to be. When you keep doing that - your healing is accelerated. Sure, it will take as long as it takes, but embracing honor instead of guilt and anger will make a difference in you. And the one you lost would be proud of you for that. Why aren’t there quick answers? If you are the type of personality that wants to get things done and move on - you have met your match. In grief - we all have. This is a situation that will take time. You will have to summon a skill you may not be good at. Patience. You can’t rush this. Don’t take a cue on a day where the intensity has lessened and you feel okay - to push on right away. Take it slow. Don’t overcommit yourself. You know you want to. Don’t. Look at it this way - we’re back to honoring our loved one here. They deserve our taking our time for this to take as long as it takes. If you start tinkering too much you will only set yourself up for problems. It’s okay to not feel like doing anything either. Some days will be like that. Other days you may feel like your “pre-grief” life. Take that one slow because grief is always right around the corner and ready to pounce. Take it slow and be wary. Don’t run when you should walk. In the end you will be stronger than you expect. And here’s a crazy thing - talk about this with someone. It is important to talk about the one we lost. So do that. What about crying? This is a problem for some. The impression that tears are a weakness is another lie and a good one because everyone seems to believe it. That’s the first reaction many seem to have. Well they are wrong. Here’s another brave thing - cry. That’s right - let it out. You just lost something incredible - do you mean to tell me you will act like it doesn’t mean anything to you? Tears tell us how much something is worth. Who cares if others do not understand. That’s their problem. Your problem is honoring the one you lost by your tears. They were worth the tears. Every one. And they will always will be. Teach the world that it is okay to cry. The tears are our badge of honor for our loved one. They will get over their problem. And we will as well - let the tears lead you to a better place. There is no end. While this article may end - your loss never will. I know I have to live without the most incredible person I could ever had the honor to be with - let alone be her husband. Your loss is just a powerful as mine. Let’s go forward - in some way - even if we don’t know how at this point - with just one thought in our minds. Our love for the one we lost. Honor them by grieving, crying, talking and learning how to live in their honor instead of their loss. You can do it.

Written Sunday March 15, 2020 / Day 216 / Afternoon The future has arrived. It is the last thing I could have ever predicted but in a way always expected at some point. Through the miracles portrayed in these essays, the unfolding of events that have led to these incredible moments - I have witnessed yet another breathtaking time in this journey. As each volume has become increasingly more intense, more dynamic, more touching and extraordinarily powerful - this volume has taken its rightful place in that progression. The times I have experienced in these past two week - beyond anything I could have anticipated. The demise of the darkness in my life stunning beyond belief. The arrival of a most beautiful representative of God’s love to bring His spirit to disable that darkness - overwhelming. The time of these changes only known to God before now - revealed to all of us who are on this journey. It is now to become a period of rebuilding. Now that the light of Love has been ignited - I can now see where I am. And while I cannot see the destination as of yet - I do now see the direction away from the wreckage of this awful place in which I have been entombed for the last 7 months. It is a glorious moment. One in which I am in abject awe for all that has taken place. The journey will still be long, it will still be difficult but one thing is certain - it will now continue in the light. And that will make all of the difference.

I may be the worst judge of these essays so my assessment is most likely flawed. I only know that in compiling this volume I must have cried more that I have in the past. So many of the essays were deeply emotional. Many of them have touched on the deepest area of my spirit - what is really going on inside. Not that I actually have any clue on what is actually happening there. Grief and my subconscious are battling things out so I only receive notification through tears. If that is any indication - this past month has been quite a titanic battle. It isn’t the battle of darkness and despair that I had been dealing with initially - but a battle none the less. Perhaps a battle to go forward to that unwanted future I keep mentioning - time will tell. But I receive comfort in knowing that perhaps the trail of this journey I am leaving may in some way help and comfort others who have to travel this same road in their own way. So as I live from day to day - I keep an eye on our real future. The future that awaits all of us in Christ. My education in the transient - the seen - the perishing, has been quite intense. Quite revealing. Revealing in the sense that I am totally overwhelmed by the physical loss and all the physical ramifications of that loss. But the future? The future that my sweetie is awaiting - that will be eternal. Paul speaks to that point as we prepare to move on to Volume 5. I am breathless in anticipation as to what that volume could possibly reveal. But I have said that before and been humbled at what is revealed. Thank you for your incredibly brave attitude in being with me. 13 Since we have the same spirit of faith according to what has been written, “I believed, and so I spoke,” we also believe, and so we also speak, 14 knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence. 15 For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God. 16 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. 17 For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, 18 as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. 2 Corinthians 4: 13-18 (ESV)

If you know someone in the state of grief but are not there yourself - here are some insights from someone inside. If you are not in the center ring of grief, that is your life has not been stopped - or severely impacted - you are on the outside of the grief experience. We have all been in this position. Someone we know - no matter what level of closeness we may have with the person - is experiencing a loss. And we are impacted by it. We knew the person - or knew about them through a family member or relative or acquaintance. It was a shock. It was sad. It may have been totally unexpected - or a situation that was leading to an end. But we are then back in our worlds, our responsibilities were waiting for us. The patterns of life must resume. And all the while - we are saddened by the change. But honestly - as our lives resume, the loss fades into the background. In a way it is destined to because the patterns of our lives demand it. In that way it is a real paradox. As much as we may be disarmed by the event, the resumption of our patterns puts the regular, the day to day back into the forefront of our minds. Those of us who are grieving are well aware of all of this. We know because our worlds can get strangely quiet. Excruciatingly quiet actually after the flurry of activity that surrounded our loss has subsided. As we are already confused and immobilized we are quite sensitive to certain things. Here is a brief summary of some of the things that you might want to say but should really not - at least in the way you intend to say. Provided here is some insight as to what we wish, hope and long for you to really say. “How are you doing?” We know you don’t really mean this on the superficial level that it is at - we would probably say the same thing if we were in your shoes. Our real answer - how do you think we COULD be? Our life is in shambles and our world devastated. Just because it has been a period of weeks since we last talked - how do you think we could actually be? How about sad, alone and empty. How are you doing? What would be a better thing to say -“I keep thinking of how difficult this must be for you.” This question gives us a strong dose of empathy and compassion. We need to have you reach out to us on a deeper level and this type of question does that - at least for me it does. Remember, even though the world has “moved on” to it’s pre-grief routine - we will NEVER return to that state. Our loss is ever with us. Your recognition of that loss going forward is a great gift to us. Do not be concerned that you might “upset us”. That’s a common fear. Don’t worry - we are already upset - way past upset. Remember our life has been devastated by our loss - do you seriously think you could actually upset us? You can make us cry - that’s different. Very different. “Maybe you should talk to somebody” You listen to us relate our world of grief and you become concerned that perhaps we are not “moving on”. Let’s get that cleared up right now - there is nothing to move on to for the moment - we are mourning, grieving and there is no timetable to that. Sure we need to talk to someone - how about you? Let’s meet for coffee or lunch and you be the person that listens. Certainly there are support groups and they can play a powerful role in our grieving - they have for me. But unless you know of a specific group to suggest based on a personal referral - not just something you read about in the paper - don’t offer nebulous help - step up and be that help - be that “someone” we can talk too. We need that more than you can know. It is appreciated at a deeply personal level. We may not be able to express that appreciation - but know - it is there. Don’t worry that you may not know what to do. Do not let that stop you from reaching out. Don’t worry because we do not know what to do either. Reaching out to us is all that matters. So reach. Please.

Written Thursday January 23, 2020 / Day 164 / Late Morning We all have a point to our lives. Our professions propel us forward - to a better job, more recognition, greater satisfaction. We have a family to manage - to direct. In our time, children to teach and guide. Interests in which we have a passion - objectives in travel or greater improvements to our home. All these things give us the point in our lives - why we do what we do. Everything in us is driven by one point or another. And when one is achieved - there are always others to engage us. I was musing on my lack of direction as I always am and realized that all my points had a central theme. I’m not sure if my situation was typical. Perhaps in one sense it was a bit extreme. All my points had a central theme. Everything I was doing - the majority if not all the points in my life had one common theme. That was my dear sweetie. In assessing what in the world my life is now suppose to be - I have found that I do not have a lot of clarity about one of the key aspects of my life. That would be me. I have no idea of me right now. It seems that I directed all of my energies through my sweetie to reach my points. She was the reason behind most if not all of the points of my life. Although it might sound a bit hokey, I did everything for her. And not because I had to, or she demanded it. None of that was true. I did it for her. Because she was everything to me. I always have to emphasize that statement because I think it gets passed over - no I mean in everything. Because I wanted to do everything for her. In the past 5 volumes there is ample information on our special and unique relationship. I made her my point because she was worth making her the point. I couldn’t help myself because our connection was so powerful. As I look back to everything in our life together - I see how powerful it was. She was worth all of that effort. I knew that from the beginning. And despite what life threw at us, despite our human issues that are common to us all, despite the frustrations life would throw at us - the disappointments and all that - we were together. We were one. Now as this becomes clear to me - my dilemma is even more profound. Now that the point of my life has been removed - what do I really have here? Outsiders as I frequently mention (and again, I was in this category so I speak from experience as well) are perplexed that I have no direction. No, I mean I absolutely have no direction. It’s not that, “Well, now you can do that [whatever] you always wanted to pursue but were not able to.”. It is not that because I had none of that. It was all her. And as I assess what a future might look like - I can only project to tomorrow. Or until the next appointment on the schedule I must honor. That is about it for the moment. All my points - were her points. Without her - I have none. All the meaningful things had her at their center. It is abhorrent right now to consider any of them without her. They were our points - not mine. As I was being attacked recently by all of the elements in our home - that is now my home alone - I was becoming overwhelmed by their song. The unfulfilled, the not to be, the next steps that would not be taken. It struck me quite deeply that all these elements were our points. The thought then came that I want all these points to strengthen me because they were our points. Whatever their status - they were special - they now have her in them. And my prayer is that our love that was folded into all those points would reach out and lift me up. Because Love is not sad. And I reject sadness. Of course that is a struggle I will be facing but I will be fighting it. I have to. The love these points represent is good. It is powerful - and I pray that power is released to propel me forward. To something that only God knows and is preparing for me. Whatever those new points will be. I will always have the points that brought me here by the strength of God’s love that we shared - and that I will carry on to the new points of my life. Whatever they will be.

As the incredible Volume 6 ends - I truly cannot believe what has happened. I saw my life discussing me, letters that pierced my soul were received and written. Even my life had to acquiesce to the forces that were unleashed in this Volume. Each essay humbling me in that I do not know where they are coming from - yet have been receiving their confirmation - of something I have yet to understand. Who knew I would even receive my last Anniversary card from the sweetheart who is now only by my side inside my broken heart. As has been the case, I “run into” markers and reminders all of the time. I end this Volume 6 with the last Anniversary card I gave her in 2018. One of the endless expressions of my love for her.